3 Signs Your Girlfriend is Bat-Sh*t Crazy

Everyone knows someone who dated a crazy person, and many of us have actually done the dating. Every crazy displays a few warning signs; some are subtle and take specific situations to provoke, others are painted neon orange and come equipped with a very loud alarm; they can’t be missed, but some of us try to ignore them anyway.

This article is dedicated to a few of these oh-so-obvious insanities that I or my friends have encountered, or are currently putting up with. All of them involve too much drinking (probably not a surprise for many), so I guess that might also be a pretty good indicator of mental instability. Please enjoy my crazy people stories.

Check out 3 Signs Your GF is Bat-Sh*t Crazy after the jump!

1) You used a sleeper hold on your girlfriend?

About a week ago my friend put his girlfriend to sleep with a wrestling move; let’s call the happy couple John and Mary. I didn’t get to witness it firsthand, but I heard about five different versions of the events and these are the consistencies from each.

There was a lot of drinking involved; the event occurred at an after-bar party. Someone called Mary a whore, and said they hated her. John didn’t try to get in a fight over the insult; what Mary wanted him to do, so she broke a beer bottle and started brandishing the pointy end at anyone who got too close. A reasonable response. After a couple failed attempts of talking her down, and almost getting stabbed himself, John put her to sleep and locked her in her room. The next morning she woke up, joked about the whole incident, and pretended nothing out of the ordinary had happened.

She tried to stab people!?! If knocking a person out with a submission move is the only way to make them not stab someone, you’re probably dealing with a crazy person. Also, if your solution to a problem involves knocking someone out with a submission move you might be a crazy person. Needless to say these two are still together. That whole relationship is f**ked.

2) She walked how far in a nightie?

This story is about a good looking young couple named Mike and Jan. Jan likes to drink vodka, and she used to do so about eight or nine nights a week. Mike didn’t like how much she drank, but devoutly took care of her when she had too much, got sick and needed to be put to bed.

On one such night Mike decided that he didn’t want to spend the night at Jan’s after she passed out; he had to work the next day, or was getting up early to study, or something; so he went home and went to bed. This was around 2 a.m.

At 3:30 a.m. he heard a knock at his door. At some point in time after Mike left, Jan woke up, or came to and found herself alone in bed. This made her mad because Mike had promised to spend the night, so she went over to Mike’s house to yell at him. That right there sounds a little crazy to me.

Mike answered his door and found Jan standing in front of him dressed in her underwear (he had undressed her before he put her to bed) and a sheer bathrobe (it must have been a little chilly). Jan also walked the two miles to Mike’s house barefoot. Who needs shoes at three in the morning?

I’m not exactly sure what was said during the ensuing fight, but to make a long story short everyone’s happy Mike broke up with Jan.

3) You want me to do what while you’re unconscious?

This is a story about me and a girl I’m going to call Alice. It starts off similar to my story about Mike and Jan, but it is a very different tale.

Alice, much like Jan, loved to party and after a really fun night of bar hopping we ended up back at her place where she promptly passed out on the living room couch. I carried her to her bedroom, undressed her and put her to bed. This is where the similarities with Mike’s story ends. I stayed the night at Alice’s; I got undressed, got into bed with her, cuddled up and went to sleep.

In the morning Alice woke up, and asked me what happened after we got back to her place the night before. I told her, and she looked at me and asked, “Did we have sex?”

“No. You passed out so I went to sleep,” I responded.

“Oh. Well next time I pass out you can have sex with me if you want. I’ll probably wake up.”


“Yeah, if you want to have sex just do it.”

Alice wasn’t joking either. She was a very literal person and wouldn’t have found something like that funny. I mean what she said shouldn’t be funny anyway, but it is, in that really messed up unhealthy kind of way. I have no idea why she thought that was an ok thing to do, or if anyone had ever taken her up on the offer. I was too disturbed by the whole exchange to ask any more questions.

And just to be clear I never did the whole unconscious sex thing. We dated for a few more weeks, but that morning was the beginning of the end. It seemed too much like a rape setup for my tastes. Some people may be into that sort of thing, but it just doesn’t do it for me.

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