Would You Like That Wrapped? A Guide to Condoms

In this day and age, much is expected of men once they reach that strange college age: we must be strong yet sensitive, mature yet playful, erudite yet down-to-earth.

And most of all we must have a damn condom handy when the time comes. But of course, we forget; we were probably thinking something important, like beer or doing our Stats homework.

Make no mistake: if you’re gunning for it, sexy time will happen at college, and it’s you responsibility to pick up the contraceptive slack.

Here are a few some notes, with thanks to the University of Connecticut‘s Health Services office.

Obviously, everyone knows how to put a condom on. Obviously! Right? Double check, because if you don’t, it might be as useless as not wearing one at all–what’s the point in that?

Normal condoms don’t really need an explanation. It’s notable, though, that there’s nothing actually special about Trojans, other than their cool namesake (nobody ever mentions the ancient Babylonian epic “Durexia” for example). They aren’t any more durable or comfortable than any other standard brand.

Colored condoms do their rubbery duty perfectly well, and they do it with some style, but that’s about it; and if you’re planning on making amateur porn in your dorm room, you need to be sure they don’t make your member look like a giant candy cane, or something. Considering all that college stuff you’ll have on your plate, you and your girlfriend have more than enough to worry about, so don’t let the color of the condom be another issue. There is one that looks like a Rocket Pop, though….

Flavored condoms, on the other hand, take a different angle on the sexy issue; in particular, the angle that leads towards your girl’s mouth, and not anywhere else. Flavored condoms, understandably, often contain sugar, and her vagina should probably be pretty high up on your list of “places you don’t fill with sugar”, right after “your cat” and “your gas tank”.

Want something to help you help her get some jollies? You can find plenty of pleasure-enhancing condoms from a variety of manufacturers, most of which have either ribs or studs; which in particular is up to your personal taste (“studs” are good if you don’t happen to be one — ba-dum kssh!). “I’ve heard reactions of “ehh” to “really cool!” regarding these, but at the very least they stop the babies from growing just fine.

There’s also the “pleasure pouch”, a feature which, while unfortunately named, apparently increases the male’s pleasure during intercourse. Now, all you girls who just can’t seem to get your damn partner off — I know, right, those men! They’re impossible! — might want to look into this, especially since there’s one called the “Tuxedo” and it looks like you could use it to sink a cruise ship.

Finally we have the strange ones: the “warming” condoms, the vibrating rings, and the climax control condoms. While they all advertise considerable advantages, they also seem to involve either moving parts or scary chemicals bouncing around near your naughty bits. So while nothing terrible will probably happen, use them at your own risk, kids.

Now go, be fruitful and multiply – but not too soon, yeah?

Beneath the Scene: 3OH!3
Beneath the Scene: 3OH!3
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