The Youth Vote: We Can Be Bought

A growing sense of disdain for Dubya didn’t cut it. Being able to register at the DMV just didn’t do the trick either. P. Diddy couldn’t get us to do it, for Christ’s sake. So just what will it take to seriously win the youth vote? We are, after all, 20 million strong and dammit we deserve to be wooed!

I, for one, would like to see an increase in, shall we say, “game” from candidates both blue and red. McCain, obviously, has taken a step toward this lofty goal by recruiting the support of one of our high holy leaders. Sorry, Obama, that you have neglected to secure such a prestigious pledge of loyalty from the chosen generation (us, duh) but feel free to borrow any of these gems that I think would increase voter turnout for those of the youthful persuasion. You see gentlemen, the key to our hearts is to manipulate our basic dependence upon the following:

Natty Lite
Slap some platform positions on the back of those bad boys and cover up the saddening nutrition facts–we don’t need to see that anyways. I consider this a double-edged sword. Not only would the important issues be readily at hand (provided you go coozie-less), but additionally, voters can appreciate the conversational lubrication that is cheap beer. As inspiring as 4.2% alcohol can be to philosophical convos (if you drink, don’t EVEN pretend you’ve never been there post bar crawl!) that stuff takes a while to imbibe, making those discussions last just a wee bit longer. Now that a pseudo intellectual discush has gone down, both candidates have enjoyed spirited (literally) debate over their issues that should inspire sober consideration come November.

Facebook.
Okay so beyond groups, events, Flair, etc., Facebook remains a largely untapped renewable resource that neither of the candidates have considered drilling off the coast of. I, however, have pondered many a time just what my life would be like should bumper stickers ever be converted into useable currency. The first guy who figures out how to do this (come on Congress, I know you’ve thought about it too!) could easily channel the power of a demographic that has more disposable free time than disposable income. Split it down the middle of the “recently popular category”– McCain gets all proceeds from those vintagey pastel ones with witty quips and Obama nabs all those concerning Edward Cullen, whoever he is. Convert those bad boys to campaign donations and hot damn we might just end world hunger.

Pizza.
A dietary need for everyone from Rhodes Scholars to Stoners, and all of us in between. If only the powers that be had thought to harness this essence of cheesy, carby goodness. So it may seem a little unorthodox, but hey, this is def a ground breaking race. So to demonstrate just how far you would go to serve your people (sit down McCain) I’m almost positive that door to door delivery of pies is the way to go. It proves you’re omnipresent (watch out terror!), punctual (30 minutes or it’s free!) and dedicated to the needs of your public (fatty deliciousness.)

Thirsty Thursdays.
A hallowed staple of coeds across the nation, Thursday nights are a beacon of hope throughout a heavy week of exams, papers, and lectures that make it seem like Friday will never come. So we said f*ck it, started the weekend early and vowed to slog through hungover Friday classes. I think this kind of pluck and determination should be recognized by the men fighting for our loyalty. Personally, I feel that there’s a lot to be said for the ability of wasted people to recall song lyrics– attend any AYCD with a Dave Matthews Cover Band and you’ll see what I’m talking about.

Boys, I’m thinking you should use the power of blind conformity to your advantage and have O.A.R. write your campaign songs from now on; let the sound of your manufactured ideals pour into your ears from the mouths of random drunks of our great country. Conversely, I am a staunch adversary of drinking and driving, and I’m sure you both are too. To reinforce your standpoint, I suggest you put your money where your billion dollar defense budget is: pay our cab fare for the ride home!

So there you have it: our necessities. And unless you can find a way to guarantee state sponsored booty calls (this would be a good time to consider Spitzer for a running mate) you just won’t get any closer to secure the “youth vote.” Of course I realize that these are highly generalized (some might even suggest degrading) paths to our vote, but so far the best anyone’s come up with is MTV cramming their airtime with veejays and celebrities urging us to “rock the vote.” So, ya know, until the grown ups figure out we’re capable of intelligent thought and all, any more brilliant ploys our future president can use to earn our vote?

Ten Things I Miss Most About Being in a Fraternity
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