COED Guide to Creative Lawmaking

If you have been following American politics, and by the looks of current strawhat polls – if you are 18-24 years old – you are not, you would notice a wonderful new trend. The trend is not so much in the formation or operations of American public policy, but in the way our wonderful professional politicians name the laws and policies that they spend so much time caressing and molding. The best part, is that these wonderful rules and regulations have, in most cases, an affect on Americans that is almost completely opposite to that which their name would have you believe.

Being the underachiever I am, I was motivated to do a little research.

The higher the Name/Affectation Ridiculousness Ratio (NARR), the more likely the legislation was to pass in both Congressional houses. Isn’t that wonderful? It is almost as if our lawmakers were trying to confuse the sh*t out of us! LOL, and we all know that they would NEVER do something like that.

So what does it take to make a wonderfully creative and counterproductive law?

Names like “No Child Left Behind,” “The Patriot Act” and the “The Save American Now Act,are just some the current lovlies that have graced the law and amendment structures that have helped us all urinate all over our civil liberties. From the law that involves forcing schools to rely on national testing scores to dictate their level of federal funding, to the one that eliminates the need for the Judicial system, right over to the one that has absolutely NOTHING to do with saving America now or later – the names are beautifully designed. At first glance, it would appear to be brilliant…right? Yeeahh…riightt…

Which one of these career intern-killers would have the balls to vote against patriotism, child development or saving America? Which one indeed.

This is why I am proud to offer my observations and advice to any future politicians who are looking at some creative lawmaking strategies to bring the 18-24 year old demo back into politics. Think of it as a political, socio-economic Mad Lib.

Step 1: Come up with a list of words that evoke nostalgia, awe and create a natural tug on the heart-strings. Things like Freedom and Patriotism are the easy, but if you want to college students of today really involved you need to think outside the box. Move onto things like pop culture icons and even mythical characters that may prey on youth oriented aversions. Puppies, Unicorns, FallOut Boy, Facebook, and Hobbits are all good starts.

Step 2: Pick a verb that entails some form of possession or abstract action: hold, keep, move, find, love, dream, jiggle. The ones with the better connotations are preferred, unless you use a negative word in conjunction with one of the transitive verbs.

Step 3: Choose a noun that evokes hope and prosperity or one that implies defeat of a vice. Think of the “Keep Hope Alive” Act or the “Defeat Evil Forever” Bill – these sound like winners with very little effort.

Step 4: The most important part is to write legislation that counters the phrase that is so eloquently stated in the title. Who is going to vote for the “Love Puppies Forever” Bill that demands that all the cute and fuzzy bastards be gassed to help keep the pet populations in control. Or the “Keep Freedom for All” Act that requires that we all register our DNA for monitoring on a local and federal level? Or even the patriotic “Give Veterans Healthcare” Bill that cuts funding for local VA hospitals to help support local skateboard parks? Bipartisanship be damned, who can vote against such catchy titles!!??

If you have heard nothing else I have said, in the upcoming elections, please vote for the “Leave Britney Alone” Act – the world WILL be a better place.

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