College Guy’s Guide to the Presidential Primaries

To a lot of Americans, the Presidential Primary system draws the same reaction as the vagina does to most guys. The vagina has been written about and explored so extensively, yet most of us guys don’t know how/why some stuff works. We are, however, born with the carnal knowledge that penis goes in, penis goes out – and that is 80 percent of the battle.

The Presidential primary season is kind of the same thing: the more you read into it, the more confusing it becomes. This article is the Penis Insertion Manual of Politics for those poor, misinformed souls who don’t have enough time to let it dominate their lives, and only concerned with satisfying their babe at a B-minus level.

The Democratic and Republican parties hold a National Convention every four years, where they choose a candidate to represent them in the presidential election. This convention is made up of delegates from every state and territory in the U.S. The number of delegates each state/territory gets to send is proportional to how many people live in there. A small percentage of delegates can vote for whomever they choose (these are typically members of congress, governors and high ups within a state’s party). On the flip side, a large number of delegates are obligated to vote for a certain candidate based on the primary or caucus.

Each state party has its own rules for how the delegates will vote, and if it will be determined in a primary or a caucus, which complicates the shit out of everything. The Republican party is far simpler to understand than Democratic party, but also is not as democratic (as in democracy). The Republicans typically use a winner take all method. So say State X gets to send 50 delegates to the Republican convention, and John McCain beats Mike “Sucka Me” Huckabee by forty percentage points. McCain would get all 50 delegate votes from State X. He would also get all 50 delegates if he only won by one vote.

The Democrats have a method that is more representative for those voting in the primary season, but it is pretty tough to fully understand. Most of the states opt to assign delegates to the convention proportional to the votes cast. Using the example above, if Florida gets 50 delegates for the Democratic Convention, and Barack Obama gets 80 percent of the votes in the primary, he would then receive 80 percent of the delegates that state has to offer. If he only beats Hillary by one vote, it is likely that State X will give each candidate 25 delegates.

Easy enough so far, but it gets more confusing.

A state can decide how the proportionality works as well. State X can decide to go with proportionality inside of counties, congressional districts, state legislative districts or the popular vote. The popular vote is as described above, but the other scenarios differ greatly. If State X has 10 counties in it’s borders and decides that each county gets 5 delegates, they still have to decide if a candidate gets all 5 delegates for winning the popular vote within the county borders, or if those five are divided proportionally. Each state makes their own rules, and the differences are vast, making it tough to casually follow.

Quick facts:

Hillary Clinton received more votes in the Nevada, but Obama received more delegates.

Hillary has to take in about 65-70 percent of the votes in Texas and Ohio to make any noticeable gains against Obama (the polls say this won’t happen).

The vagina is made up of 14 counties each proportionally dividing up its delegates to the convention.

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