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Procrastination is Like Masturbation…

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It’s been a solid thirty minutes since you set up shop at the library and somehow you can’t quite get past the first line of chapter one.

Your eyes have been wandering over to gaze at that hot babe in your American Lit class (Damn, she’s got nice pair of…arms), you’ve gotten up to use the bathroom about ten times and you’ve spent countless hours looking at pictures on scandalous Facebook groups.

We’ve seen it a thousand times and you know what it’s called: procrastination. Unfortunately, friends, we’re pretty much sabotaging ourselves.

Why? Two procrastination experts – yes, they study our laziness for a living – came up with a Top 10 list on why we procrastinate. But be forewarned: one of the psychologists is Canadian.

10. For 20 percent of the population, procrastination is a lifestyle. On college campuses, we thought 87 percent sounded more accurate, but we’re no psychologists.

9. Our culture doesn’t take procrastination as a serious problem. They say there’s more of it in the U.S. because we’re nice people and don’t call others out on their laziness. We believe the doctors have never visited New York City or driven through rush hour traffic in Los Angeles.

8. Procrastinators don’t necessarily have time-management problems but are far more optimistic about time than others.

7. We’re not born procrastinators – we make ourselves into them. Some of us learn from our families, others procrastinate to rebel from the strict rules they grew up in. The rest of us just know that writing a history paper drains out every inch of energy from our bodies, both slowly and painfully.

6. The bigger the procrastinator, the higher the consumption of alcohol. Hello, Thirsty Thursdays. And Wasted Wednesdays. And even Trivia Mondays.

5. Procrastinators lie to themselves. Popular lies include, “This can be done tomorrow” and, “I work better under pressure.” Rather than becoming more creative in the end, they continue to not want to do the work and just wind up avoiding it. And that is why projects and paper are called “work.”

4. In order to procrastinate, they actively look for distractions in order to avoid feelings of fear of failure.These distractions are called AIM, Facebook and Myspace. And blogs. And galleries of scantily-clad hot babes.

3. Three basic types of procrastinators are thrill-seekers who like the last minute rush; avoiders who fear failure or success and are overly concerned with how others perceive them; and decisional procrastinators who can’t make…well, decisions.

2. Avoiding life is bad for your health. Procrastinating college students have more colds, flus and gastrointestinal problems as well as insomnia. To think, we blamed the dining halls this whole time.

1. If all of this depresses you or you don’t appreciate our sarcasm, the psychologists say even the worst procrastinator can change. But it takes a lot of psychic energy and might not transform you internally, though it can require “highly-structured cognitive behavioral therapy.” Sounds like fun.

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