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Random Crap You Didn’t Know You Needed

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For every essential product people need in daily life there are thousands or random devices that don’t seem essential at any time or place. Nonetheless they’re all worth talking about – if only for their extreme wackiness. Take a gander at these gizmos…

TankChair

Just because you’re in a wheelchair doesn’t mean you can’t traverse rough terrain. The TankChair is a wheelchair outfitted with tank tracks, [Q: treads, maybe?] allowing you to go anywhere and everywhere. Literally nothing can stop you … except maybe a bazooka. Each TankChair is also custom-made, taking into account a client’s type of injury, weight and physical size. And the guys who make the motors are from the show “Battle Botsâ€?! How can you lose? Wait ‘til Stephen Hawking gets a hold of one of these. Can you say “world dominationâ€?? (price varies, www.tankchair.com)

The Beerbelly

Do you find yourself jealous of Camels? Well, thankfully science is here to help. The Beerbelly is a bladder/sling system that allows you to hold 80 oz. (six beers) over your stomach. To some you’ll look obese. But little do they know you’re just avoiding paying $10 for a beer at the game. And while your friends spend hours at the gym working on their guts, you can just drink yours away! Have you seen a product scream NASCAR more in your life? ($50, www.thebeerbelly.com)

Rsstroom Reader

Reading the newspaper while taking a dump is a time-honored tradition. But by the time your morning coffee gets your bowels flowing, that news is hours old. Have no fear, my constipated friends. The Rsstroom Reader has your problem in the can. This handy bathroom gadget prints news feeds directly onto your toilet paper, giving you up-to-the-minute information on products, stocks — even lottery results. And if you don’t like what you read, just wipe your ass with it. (www.rsstroomreader.com)

TLC Tugger

Did you give your parents permission to circumcise you? Of course you didn’t, you were two-days-old! Well, now you can have revenge on your parents for slicing your penis. The TLC Tugger is a cone-shaped device that pulls the remaining skin up the shaft so that you again will have the foreskin you so richly deserve. And because three-fourths of the world’s men are not circumcised, you’ll fit in better as well. ($49.50, TLCtugger.com)

Team Baby Entertainment

There is no greater horror for a father then when their son doesn’t follow in his footsteps and become a fan of their team. Well, there is only one solution. Brainwashing! This series of children’s DVDs uses your favorite university’s team sports, mascot, marching band, campus attractions and more to make sure that when your kid grows up he’s a Notre Dame fan, even if he can’t quite remember why. ($19.95, www.teambabyentertainment.com)

Faucet Light

You already have the black light, might as well go for broke. This handy device will turn your running water a nice shade of neon blue, so you can see it in the dark, or just stare at it while hopped up on LSD. It goes on and off with the water so you don’t have to worry about leaving it on, and fits on most standard household faucets. Comes with three button cell batteries, a wire screen and 2 universal adapters. ($18.98)

Cell Phone Flask

Like most people, you don’t go anywhere without a nip of apple brandy, but the last thing you need is your teacher to confiscate your flask. Well, thanks to the cell phone flask you can leave your worries behind. This polished chrome flask holds 4 oz. of your favorite beverage, but more importantly it looks exactly like your phone. It even comes with a leather carrying case with belt clip to look even more authentic. ($12.99)

Vulva

Is there anything more intoxicating then the female genital scent? Of course not, and now instead of not washing down below, your girl can just dab some Vulva on her neck and watch you come running. Vulva is intended to smell like Vagina, but you will have to make your own assessment on that one. Talk about one fun comparison!

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  • COED Writer