Rock of Love: Undone and Examined

Oh, reality shows: the bane of our existence and our favorite guilty pleasure. ‘Tis a paradox.

When word first came around that Poison frontman Bret Michaels was poised to star in his own reality show, flashes of teased hair, war-paint makeup and garish outfits plagued my subconscious. And whaddaya know – the show played out with every stereotype in tow, outside of the unexpected charming demeanor of Mr. Michaels.

If Bret was any other dude you wouldn’t feel his “plight” – the burden of man who wants nothing more than a expert hooker under the guise of a nice girl exclusively for him. Rock of Love‘s greatest trick was making viewers empathize with Michaels’ daunting task of finding a “nice girl” (read: a slut behind closed doors) amongst out-in-the-open-sluts/party chicks.

Basically, Bret wants what every man in history has ever wanted.

Cutting to the quick: Bret Michaels made a decision based on morals. He picked the cute, sensitive and practical (for TV) Jes over Heather, the backwoods hoochie down for the cause. Unsurprisingly, Michaels has since ditched Jes and is now back with the mother of his girls.

Heather would’ve “rocked” his world (har, har) in the act of bedroom gymnastics, but would’ve left him smelling like stripper’s perfume (a deadly combination of Stunning, baby powder and regret).

Face it, Bret – you’re a cool guy and all, but all you can offer a woman is access to your limitless income and indulging in their teenage fantasy of you, 20 years prior. Nobody goes on reality TV to be a humble person; if you do you’ll get kicked off immediately. There are at least 8 girls’ names, faces and personalities I can’t remember in the slightest on Rock of Love.

I prophesize the following future for Rock of Love‘s Holy Trinity:

Lacey: Will star in Rock Bitch: Come Get Some.

It’s funny when it comes to girls like Lacey. Here we have a rich-girl slumming it as an “artist” looking for her big break. Who the f*** calls themselves a “rock chick” anyways? I know who – Valley Girls with a personality crisis and daddy’s money to burn. Following the footsteps of another hack whose talent is approximated to being outspoken, Lacey is destined to become the New New York.

Heather: Will shack up with Rock of Love alumni Brandi C. (who reportedly starred in a porno after Rock of Love), Kristia and infamous YouTuber Chris Crocker; a reality show will soon follow.

It’s true. This is really going to happen.

This really sucks. I will tune in to this premeditated piece of D-list garbage in spite of it…giving it ratings and blog-coverage in the process. VH1 knows that this show will be a hit for all the wrong reasons. But why should they care? Why green-light a new pilot when you can throw a bunch of circus freaks in a Bel Air estate for much cheaper?

Jes: Will become a second-tier model for a third-tier clothing company.

You know what I’m talking about: Jes will soon be saying things like “This fashion artist guy, Marting Nouboilious [sic] has a great line of clothes. They’re very ‘rocker’ and edgy.”

She will also date a frontman in some nondescript rock band, if she isn’t already.

UPDATE: Jes is dating some fashion dude! And guess what: his name his QUADE. Seriously. Q-U-A-D-E. Sounds like a hipster robot.

Honorable Mention: Rodeo

Bret knows that his perfect match was Rodeo; he just wanted a bit less baggage, such as:

Rodeo (real name Cindy) leaving her husband and son to audition for Rock of Love.

Rodeo hanging out at every possible Poison concert she can attend since the show ended.

Rodeo being an insane, Bret-obsessed, crazy bitch.

Fun fact: Rodeo has been banging Big John. Uh-huh.

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