Tired of watching full movies? Wanna cut right to the chase and find out what happens in the end so you can have intellectual convos with your friends about how amazing Gary Busey’s hair looked in Rookie of the Year? With the help of Movie-a-Minute we will give you a few condensed versions of your favorite classics. Check it sonnnnnnn…
NASA: An asteroid is coming. We are in trouble.
Nerd: You must blow it up from the inside. Probably.
NASA: Let’s teach drillers to be astronauts, on account of drilling is too hard for astronauts to learn.
Bruce Willis: Instead for a ninjillion dollars, we will only do it if we don’t have to pay taxes anymore, because audiences can relate to that.
Audience: I can relate to that. Therefore, I love it.
Check out 6 more condensed movies after the jump…
Angels In the Outfield
Joseph Gordon-Levitt: Be my dad, Danny Glover.
Danny Glover: Baseball is more important, son.
Christopher Lloyd: I’ll straighten things out by helping you win.
Joseph Gordon-Levitt: Thanks, Christopher Lloyd. Help us win the pennant.
Christopher Lloyd: Sorry, Joseph Gordon-Levitt. It’s wrong to cheat at important games. Let that be a lesson to you.
Ethnically Diverse People: We’re trapped in a tunnel. Save us, Sylvester Stallone.
Sylvester Stallone: Grunt. (He saves them.)
Ethnically Diverse People: We never thought we’d see “daylight” again.
Audience: (leaving the theater) Neither did we.
Julia Roberts: I’m a hooker, but I don’t kiss on the lips.
Richard Gere: I have a lot of money.
Julia Roberts: (smooch)
Dennis Hopper: I will blow up the elevator.
Keanu Reeves: Oh no. Not the elevator. (saves elevator)
Dennis Hopper: I will blow up the bus.
Keanu Reeves: Oh no. Not the bus. (saves bus)
Keanu Reeves: I will blow up the subway.
Keanu Reeves: Oh no. Not the subway. (saves subway)
Leonardo DiCaprio: Your social class is stuffy. Let’s dance with the ship’s rats and have fun.
Kate Winslet: You have captured my heart. Let’s run around the ship and giggle. (The ship SINKS.)
Leonardo DiCaprio: Never let go.
Kate Winslet: I promise. (lets go)
Evan Rachel Wood: I’m unpopular.
Nikki Reed: I’m a whore.
Evan Rachel Wood: I’ll be your friend.
Nikki Reed: Have some drugs.
Evan Rachel Wood: Now my life sucks. (cut cut cut)
Nikki Reed: You need help.
Evan Rachel Wood: Nuh-uh. (cry cut cry)