Ahh, to be a freshman againâ¦
Long after the fact, I can safely say that there is no experience that can quite match being 18, fully on your own for the first time in your life, and living in a dorm surrounded by the hundreds of the horniest creatures on this green earth.
As a kid who had a pretty awful high school experience when it came to members of the opposite sex, I went into my freshman year with the attitude that Iâd pretty much take on all comers. I turned down girls like a 15 year old boy would turn down an offer to look through Penthouse magazine.
Needless to say, it was a very fruitful year.
Of course, hooking up as a freshman invariably requires a decent amount of compromise with your roommate. Some roommates sexcile each other, putting socks or other markers on the doors to let each other know that someoneâs gettinâ lucky.
My roommate and I employed a slightly different method. We just did our thing regardless of whether or not we were both home. Weird? Perhaps, especially considering we roomed together blind. But neither of us cared, so we found a way to make it work.
For example, one weeknight, my roommate decided to have his girl du jour sleep over. They were out, I was in bed, and when they got home, it wasnât like they were going to kick me out or anything. Instead, they put on some Ben Harper (my roommate was quite the smoothie) and tried their damnedest to be quiet.
Yes, the gesture was appreciated, as the music did manage to nullify some of the groans, grunts and moans. Unfortunately, to this day, I canât hear a note of Ben Harper without seeing incredibly vivid images of my roommate going at it missionary style dance through my head. What can I sayâ¦ some sacrifices simply have to be made.
And letâs be honest here. When it came to hooking up in the room, I was far more risque than my roommate. One night, he awoke to see me standing next to my lofted bed, with some random girlâs legs wrapped about my head like a Burmese Python. Apparently, she was making a little too much noise for his tastes, but pursuant to our agreement, he kept his mouth shut. I know he enjoyed the show, even if he never did explicitly say so.
Yes, freshman roommates are apt to share some gloriously intimate experiences. Thatâs part and parcel of having a roommate for the first time. But lest you start to fret, I assure you that youâll have plenty of solo experiences in your dorm as well.
One night freshman year, I was out at a frat party and so drunk that I was passing out on my feet, when I ran into (more like she ran into my sleeping self) a girl that Iâd briefly hooked up with a couple weeks earlier. I liked this girl a lot and she was seriously attractive, but she was a ridiculous loud-talker, which bothered me so much that I had to end it. Anyway, she saw my inebriated state and told me that she was taking me home.
Upon returning to my dorm room, I immediately put my head down on my bed and began to pass out. Upon discovering that my roommate wasnât home, this girl turned off the lights, locked the door behind us, and pulled me back to my feet. She gave me a passionate kiss, and then in one swift motion, dropped to her knees while simultaneously yanking off my pants and then went to town. When all was said and done, she stood up, gave me a kiss on the cheek and said, âyou are REALLY drunkâ¦ you should go to bed.â? And without another word, she was out the door.
Ahh, to be a freshman againâ¦