“Tools” don’t know they are tools. Chances are if you’re a tool your friends haven’t had the heart to break it to you so turn off that Avril Lavigne song you’re rockin’ out to and take a look at Magnificant Bastard’s “Top 10 Ways To Look Like a Total Toolbad.”
It has pictures and discriptions so if you find yourself fitting any of the catagories it’s time for a personal life makeover.
1. Backwards baseball hat – Do you play catcher for a major league ball club? Minor league? Local softball team? No? Then don’t do this.
2. Oakley blades – Your Tour de France riding days are over, pal.
3. bluetooth headset – 1. Trust us, you’re not that important. You’re now just one-degree removed from Lando Calrissian’s bald android assistant.
4. Gold necklace – Rap moguls, NBA stars, and Mr. T excluded. Some white guy from the ‘burbs, nuh uh.
5. Tommy bahama shirt – When in Hawaii, this is OK. In the upper 49, toolbag.
6. national review magazine – In close association with bad style, bad politics.
7. belt-clipped cell phone – Scream “I am a middle manager!” a little louder. The guy across the street didn’t hear you.
8. “cause” wristband – Exceptions made if you or immediate family member is battling various wristband maladies. Otherwise, grab a scissors.
9. over-the-knee, double-pleated shorts – Two things wrong here: 1. 4 pleats. 2. Over the knee.
10. crocs – The Zubaz of the ’00s. Here’s a good rule to live by: Never wear the same shoes as your 5-year-old nephew.