Although its not usually the topic in the locker room at the gym, we men all have had awful experiences sexually. It could range from something you’ve said in the heat of the moment to bangin’ a girl you find out is your cousin. Welp, its time to discuss some of these situations, get them out in the open, so we don’t have to feel weird about it any longer.
1. This first experience is likely the most common sexual blunder committed. Those of us who enjoy throwing back adult beverages on a larger scale, like to the point of blacking out, are more susceptible to waking up next to someone who won’t exactly be winning the Miss New Jersey pageant. Just last weekend my friends were busting my chops for hooking up with a girl who looked like the female Howard Stern with a perm . Although you are getting some play, its still a hit to the male ego if the girl you wake up next to doesn’t meet the standards of your friends.
Advice: This is bound to happen fellas, so here is a life motto you might want to adopt. Don’t have standards, this way you will never be disappointed.” That might not be the greatest advice, but it really helps your thought process on your walk home from the girl your friends will now refer to as “The George Washington look-a-like”.2. On occasion, even the douchiest guy can land a hot bimbo. Say your bimbo ranks in at a 9, perfect body, face, smile, hair, etc. You know that when you get her naked you are gonna show her what kind of man you are and bang her brains out. You get her clothes off, get your rubber on, and get ready to penetrate. Once you get into the sweet kush you start to think “Hey, this is some of the bombest pu**y I’ve ever had”. And then it happens, OH DAMN, I’m gonna erupt and I’ve only pumped lie 8 reps into her. Then 25.7 seconds later you are handing her clothes back, putting yours on, and slipping into the 8th ring of hell because you just blew it, literally. This is awful. She’s not gonna let you see her naked again, you know it, she knows it, and soon all her friends are gonna know it so you wont split them either. It might take a couple days or even weeks to mentally bring yourself back to the game.
Advice: Keep your head up, things could be worse. If you can get a hot babe into bed once, you can do it again…..just do it in a different state.
3. This next sex foul is one not many have the heart to commit, but if you do you are not alone. Say your friend was dating a vixen for a little while and she always had those “f*** me” eyes. They break up and she comes to you for help coping with her recent loss. She might have a couple glasses of wine and then you might notice shes feeling a little squirrelly. And then it happens, you bang her in the butt. The next day you feel awful, not sure what to do. Do you tell your friend before she does, do you hope she keeps a secret, would a text message be a sufficient apology? Well, your buddy is gonna be pissed, you committed a cardinal sin, and you are a dirt ball who can’t be trusted. But hey, maybe your boy will understand that you can’t put the Pu**y on a pedestal.
Advice: Depending upon your boy, you are probably gonna want to tell him as soon as possible. It’s gonna suck and he’s gonna be pissed, but once he realizes that she was just a dumb slut amongst millions of other dumb sl*ts, its not gonna matter.
4. If this next one happens you are absolutely screwed for the rest of your life. You could be feeling frisky one night and decide to go find a nice hooker in the city. Cruising around you spot the tight leather dress, high heels, and overwhelming amount of make-up and boom……you got your girl. Upon finding the nearest motor lodge, you start to go at it with your newly found friend. Clearly, you paid the extra 25 dollars to bend her over and go Kobe on her. After going to town on her, she freakishly lets you finish by giving head to your poopy bone. Then it happens; a deep voice suddenly exits “her” mouth, and she throws her steamy pile of dong on the table and asks for the return favor. That’s right guy, you just banged a dude, a dude with herpes, and a weiner that’s much bigger than yours. Time for suicide watch.
5. Aside from your girlfriend telling you that she’s knocked up, theres just one other sexual interaction that can make your head explode. You score a babe from the mall and take her back to your house. She is about to experience your sexual prowless. Unfortunately when you go to wrap up your warrior, you discover that you left your rubbers on the counter of CVS and didn’t pick them back up because you were taken aside by how well you were jocking it. She assures you its OK and that she is on the pill. You’re already at flagpole stiffness so you just decide to snake her unprotected. Upon bragging to your boys about the chick you slammed last week and it’s weird how everyone knows her name. They fill you in that shes been around the block, often, for a lot of laps. You thought you were the man but you’ve only accomplished something that hundreds of others have done, and you did it without a condom.
Advice: Get tested. Get condoms. You also might wanna start to consider not bangin dirty ho’s nymore. Even when you think she’s clean, they aren’t. Girls are a labyrinth of lies. They have more secrets than we do. They’ve banged more guys than you’ve banged girls, they just don’t talk about it.
That’s all folks. If you can make it through your life without experiencing any of this crap, you’re a lucky man. If you do get caught up in one of these sexual blunders, you’re a lucky man. Pimpin’ since been pimpin’ since been pimpin.