My roommate drank too much one night and vomited into the grating on top of my new (and expensive) television set.The next day I asked him to buy me a new one, and he refused. Do I have to urinate
in his computer to make him realize the situation?
I suggest a two-pronged approach. First, try to be nice. Constantly bring up really cool TV shows and then throw in things like, ‘Yeah, we could watch that tonight. Too bad we don’t have a TV.’ Or start listening to really bad music at high volumes. If he complains, just shrug and say, ‘Hey, I’d rather be watching The Daily Show than listening to this Bo Bice tribute band, but I no longer have a TV.’ If that doesn’t work, kill him. I mean, sue him.
My college dorm doesn’t allow students to own pets, but I found a need to bring my ferret up to school with me. I hid her in my closet, but she got out and is loose in the dorm! I cannot report that I have a missing ferret. I have tried leaving food out in the hallways but that just attracts stoners. What should I do?
The good news is that your animal is too large to fit into the average person’s butt. The bad news? Mr. Ferret could be long gone. Put ‘Missing’ posters everywhere on campus except your dorm. Offer a reward and make sure you use contact info for a friend that lives OFF-CAMPUS! If the ferret is living with the stoners, they’ve probably eaten
Hot Movie Action
My girlfriend and I have a ‘movie night’ every Tuesday night. Recently I put in my favorite film, Whipped, and she walked out in disgust and wouldn’t return any of my phone calls. I can’t tell if I have bad taste in women or if I have bad taste in film. I need some gooddate movies if I want to win her back. What should I do?
If she had stuck around to see the end of Whipped, she would have realized it’s actually a subversive, profeminist movie! Your lady is quick to judge and that bodes none too well for her tolerance of the rest of your life. Try a double-feature next time ‘ one guy movie and some movie about pants traveling around the world. If she’s still rolling her eyes and running out of your apartment, then next movie night, just throw a porno in. If she stays or leaves, you win either way.