The Remaining Fears of Men

My editor, Steve G, recently requested that I finish the top 10 fears that men have from my recent survey, with a few additional comments about them.

Coming in at number FIVE is diarrhea which I am currently suffering from. I am literally peeing out of my asshole. I know a lot of guys say that when they have diarrhea but I am actually peeing out of my asshole, it is a clear liquid coming out of asshole every fifteen minutes. I am glad I am not the only one that is scared of this because it is quite frightening and there is clearly something seriously wrong with me but I have no health insurance, so tough luck.

The SIXTH fear of men is Tom Cruise getting more roles now that he bought United Artists. Tom Cruise is not only a bad actor and shorter than me, but out of his mind. YouTube has a wonderful collection of Tom Cruise flip outs, nonsensical ramblings and other Scientology ridiculocities that we’ll be sure to make you fear the fact that Tom Cruise owns a major production company and can make as many awful movies as he wants (think: the Last Samurai as a franchise!).

Coming next at SEVENTH is strip clubs. While you are there, strip clubs are absolutely phenomenal. Blowing a 1.8 on your Breathalyzer, naked women all around you and you are drunk enough to believe that they actually like you despite the fact that your hundreds of singles of paying for their HIV treatment. Sounds tremendous, right? Wrong, the fear comes when you check your checking account the next morning and realize that you can’t pay rent because you spent four hundred dollars on a bunch of tramps and didn’t even smash any of them.

Next is Drew Carey ruining a college entertainment staple. As many of you may know, Drew Carey was selected as the heir to the Bob Barker Price is Right dynasty and effectively ending the show. Bob Barker was handsome enough to get away with most of his sexual harassment accusations. Whereas Drew Carey on the other hand hasn’t boned since the heyday of the Drew Carey Show and will savagely rape the “Carey Cuties” with the delicacy of an Auschwitz security guard.

The NINTH fear of men is gay men. I do not need to explain more but for some reason straight men think that delicate and considerate gay men will force themselves on them and therefore they fear them.

The final fear of my survey was more David Lynch movies. This piece of shit throws moving pictures together and passes it off as indie respectability. If any of you understand Lost Highway, Mulholland Drive, or Twin Peaks please email what the meaning is because I am dying to know. Thank you and boycott David Lynch and Tom Cruise.

Ask a Girl: Women Just Want to Be Hit On (After You Buy Them French Fries)
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