An Open Letter to Mel Gibson…from a Jew

Dear Mel,

I remember seeing the movie Maverick like it was yesterday. My (Jewish, war-starting) father gave me money before I made my (Jewish, war-starting) mother drive me to the theater. I admit, I snuck in some candy, but that is only because I am Jewish and too cheap to pay $5 for the theater’s Milk Duds. I can say that, Mel, because I am Jewish.

But that isn’t the point. The point is that I was in love with you. Those big muscles, that sexy coif and your chivalrous ways had me weak in the knees and fantasizing about you naked. Er, what I meant to say was that I thought you were cute. I came home from the movies and wrote ‘Lauren Gibson’ all over my notebook. My mom laughed and asked me, ‘How are you going to marry Mel Gibson? He isn’t Jewish.’ I, having faith in the good human being that you were, responded, ‘He is obviously a really nice man, mommy, and he would totally convert for me.’

Too bad you crushed my dreams and turned into an anti-semitic freak.

First Passion of the Christ and now this drunken debacle? Mel, my former lover, what were you thinking? It is a well known fact that we Jews run Hollywood; making such a hateful comment like you did is like applying for a job at Dunkin’ Donuts and bitching to the owner about ‘those damn Indian taxi drivers.’ You should never piss where you swim, or whatever that expression is. Even more, though, is that Jews are the richest people in the world and the ones that spend all of our hard-earned money to see your movies. You might as well say Shalom (not, in the “hello” sense, obviously), because you lost us. And I am pretty sure, since all Jews are lawyers, that the person defending you in this whole mess is also a Jew … whom you most likely offended. Way to go, Maverick.

You may have found the one non-Jewish doctor in the U.S. to claim that alcohol makes you say things you don’t mean, but I don’t buy it. Sure, I got drunk once and agreed to a threesome with a homeless man and a dog, but that was in college. And I was drinking 151. And I didn’t agree to it so much as tripped and fell into an alley thus joining the festivities that had already started to take place.

But you, sir, are an established professional, an adult and a bigot. I don’t buy for one second that you didn’t mean those things. So, get your rehab, meet with those rabbis to ‘find where those words came from’ and try to salvage what is left of your little career … but I will tell you this, you can do it without my support. I won’t even BURN your movies anymore. No, Melly, you are on your own. Try dealing with that without the aid of alcohol!

Your (Jewish, war-starting) former fan,

Lauren S. Herskovic
Jew

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