People are insane.
There have been reports Mark Wahlberg has stated he wants to turn "The Fighter" into a trilogy. Is this the next Rocky franchise? Most likely not, since this one's based on actual events, but one wonders if Mickey Ward's story warrants three feature length films? Prior to The Fighter's release, his name rang few bells, but judging by its critical and box office success, one has to take a look around at other sports figures to see who's ripe for the Hollywood treatment. In April 2009, Bleacher Report published their list of athletes who deserve celluloid dedications, now we have our list. See our selections after the jump!
I always hated report cards. Nine times out of ten, it resulted in my television privileges going away for a few weeks. But not this time, folks. I'M handing out the grades this time and guess who the pupils are: the teams of the National Football League. It's time to see how these guys are doing as they work toward the playoffs and a spot in Super Bowl 44. So here's how I see it. Consider this my audition piece for John Clayton's job at ESPN. You're not living forever, old man.
What do you get when you mix a group of outcasts, a rainy day, a curiously hidden treasure map and a deformed kind of sort of Cyclops in the body of a linebacker named Sloth? If you guessed rush weekend at Delta Iota Kappa, you're half right. You get the quintessential 80's movie that doesn't have John Hughes genius finger prints on it: The Goonies. And if something today made you sit up and say, "Man, I feel old" brace yourself. Because "The Goonies" is celebrating its silver anniversary this year. In honor of the 25th anniversary of this immaculate piece of 80's cinema, I'm going to catch up with (internet stalk) the Goondock Saints (please let me have coined that phrase) and see what they're up to now.
If you watch ESPN round the clock like I do, you'll know that walk off hit happen more frequently than a Lindsay Lohan probation violation. There's at least 5-6 a night and they all end with a mosh-pit at home plate (unless you're the Anaheim Angels) that screams "act like you've been there before." But all bets are off in the playoff's. You're one out away from a fall full of golf. So...playoff walkoff's....here's eleven good ones.
There's about a million ways to say you had sex with a chick but in the interest of time, we've narrowed it down to the following top euphemisms.
Ever sit around with your friends at a bar and think your racist / misogynistic / politically incorrect banter would make for good television? Well, while you're trying to decipher the TV show ideas you wrote on the napkin you left in your now laundered jeans, you can live vicariously through the crew of the hilarious show "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia". The sixth season is set to premiere tonight (9/16) on FX and since each fan likes to peg a member of their own crew as someone in the Paddy's Crew (face it, we all have a useless chick), let's look at best and, for lack of a better term, brightest moments from each character. Let's ride, bitches!
Sep 16, 2010
If there was a gun to my head, I'd say the Hoff is right up there with some of the greatest men int he history of the world. He has significantly changed the way in which we live our everyday lives. And since he got ripped a new pooper on his Comedy Central Roast, let me show you just why the Hoff has made life so awesome.
Sep 6, 2010
Dating. It means different things to different people. There's traditional type dating (or courting as my 82 year-old grandmother calls it) and then there's the more modern version of it -- maybe a couple of dinners but mostly hanging at a bar/someone's house until the good stuff happens. But no matter what school of thought you belong to in terms of dating, the signs that things are going good/bad remain constant. You don't need to be an expert to figure them out. You just need to have two eyes and second grade common sense. Here's a refresher course.
Sep 3, 2010
A wise man once said that there's "funny ha-ha" and "funny uh-oh". Well what about "funny no-no"? Translation: what if you're about as funny as AIDS? Or AIDS on the day that you're supposed to get your appendix taken out. I know that's probably not at all possible but you get where I'm headed with this. Some (like myself) have made humor a gender issue but that's just not the case. The fact is that comedy has been so saturated that sometimes we mistake dumb for funny.
When it pertains to losing that precious V-card (which ranks closely behind your ATM, SSN, Driver's license, and Sam's Card) two question's always come up: who was it and how old were you. If your girl had a weird name, questionable hygiene, or was just flat out sketchy, she'll be blamed for all your sexual issues for the rest of your life.
Main drawback of blogging: over-saturation. Exhibit's A, 2, and D would be an internet wide boycott of A-list dime piece Megan Fox. A batch of male-oriented websites decided that August 4, 2009 would get its Pearl Harbor on and live in infamy as "Megan Fox Boycott Day". The intent was good--as fine as she is, Megan seems to get entirely too much ink at times. So on the surface, the boycott was warranted.
Everything in the world can technically be explained by science . Even something as simple as trying to pick up a good looking broad. Now I'm no fan of math but even I could understand this simple numbers game . The more they drink, the better you look. Inebriation + dedication can equal fornication. Eight drinks is the magic number for most men to be able to woo ladies so that things like this look really cool.
The bro movement. For better or worse (WORSE), it's here to stay. I mean when something as ridiculous as bros icing bros has become a trend among grown men, you have to fear for our young people. That's why television is a great escape. Because if you think real life bro's are humorous, broadcast bro's are even better. They're colorful, they're exaggerated, and they almost always have some kind of redeeming qualities. This bro bundle has all of that IN SPADES.
Do you hug trees? Pick up litter on campus? Drive a hybrid bike? Well good for you. College campus' tend to lean on the liberal side anyway so it seems like ranking something Green Colleges seems pretty redundant. Still as douchey as you might feel, helping out the planet does have its advantages.
Harrison Ford is a Hollywood institution. He played Indiana Jones, banged Princess Leia, and spoke wookie. He's a credit to men everywhere. And part of his badassery is the fact that he can pretty much bitch slap you with his focused, steely glare. Not only did that testicle tearing stare scare the bad guys, but it might have scared success away from his co-stars.
Young adulthood is a time for experimentation. Careers, relationships, and state altering substances are just some of the things that are fair game. Now while I preach hugs over drugs ten times out of ten, I will say that something like steroids can be helpful for the terminally ill, injury prone, or those who suffer from a lifetime's supply of gangling awkwardness.
It's one thing to douche outrageously. But when you do it married to the consensus sexiest woman alive, you need fall on a sword or go play in traffic. So, needless to say, you're on alert, Griffin Guess, better known as Mr. Marissa Miller. Then again, it's completely natural to hate on a guy when your wife looks like this.
For all the talk about duration, position, and size, one of the often overlooked facets of fornication is verbal communication. More specifically DURING sex. Because nothing kills the mood quicker than saying something so bizzare that you wonder if people should actually take a U.S. citizenship-type test before engaging in relations. It's one thing to know what you're doing anatomically, but the verbal game needs to be on lock as well. In other words, be tactful for crying out loud.
Like death, puberty, and blue balls, vomiting is a part of life. It happens to everyone. Celebrities, exhausted weight lifters, and unassuming lemonade chugging enthusiasts have all done it. Really letting it fly is almost like a badge of honor -- like your own man-made Niagara Falls. Projectile can be prompted by anything ranging from boozing to raw fish. Thankfully, we have these things called camera phones and blogs to honor and recognize these achievements. And if you can add injury to insult, well that's just a plus.
Leave it to America to declare a national holiday for something that originated in Mexico. And why wouldn't we? Especially when it brings so much joy and bridge generational gaps. Like any strange creature from a strange land, tequila can teach you something new and emphasize the importance of variety .
Going to the bathroom in your suburban home town was probably a completely stress free event. Like you probably never walked in and saw someone passed out on the toilet. And you probably never saw these 36 things that you people can actually do in a public toilet. A
Mullet enthusiasts, undercover John Rocker fans, and soldiers of political correctness: REJOICE. Kenny Powers and his titanium testicles are coming to a small screen near you REAL SOON. Season 2 of HBO's funniest show, Eastbound and Down, is reportedly set to premiere on September 26, meaning we all need to get ready for little drops of heaven in a form close to this.
That's right. Television isn't the only medium that can produce spin-offs for their own financial gain. So can writers! You all may remember the recent post about cover songs being more popular than the original. This time we're covering thirteen cover songs so bad that if given the choice between listening to it or spending an evening with Ann Coulter, you would really be between a rock and a hard place. So if you think Soulja Boi is insufferable (I for one do), then check out these tunes.
Meeting new people is all about judging them. Whether it's his bathing suit, his grown-up beverage choice, his pooch, or even his ride, nothing is more fun than learning everything about a person from a few random details. Want to make the game more fun? Sit in a coffee shop rife with douche's stache, wait for him to take a bathroom break, and then rifle through his too cool for school iPhone. Feel free to go through his web history or his e-mail account to crack the case.
Being that it is America's past time, it's natural that baseball is this country's most over scrutinized sport. So what happens when the pressure gets dialed up? When the spotlight shines brightest? Verbal diarrhea. Some (like George Brett) talk actual diarrhea while some are trying to protect their credibility (I still believe in you, Brian McNamee). And others? Well others are dealing with their fate as marginally good (ahem Jason Giambiahem) by calling attention to a ridiculous (ly awesome?) bit of facial hair. Luckily for us the cameras and tape recorders were rolling for a lot of these little brain farts. Thanks for the consideration, fellas.
Babe Ruth wasn't just a home run hitter. He was an inspiration for all the fatties out there who embraced being overweight. He proved that just because you're a little overweight doesn't mean you can't serve some purpose on a on a playing field or when you're scarfing down a giant plate of nachoes. So quit hating on the overweight athletes who make more money than you and celebrate the 50 fattest players in baseball history.
Scarlett Johansson. She's so sexy you'd throw yourself in traffic and be okay with the damage you did to yourself. She's the kind of lady that your actual lady would be okay with you oogling over and she's daring enough to take roles that show that she's more than an ungodly pretty face. And she'll make out with Sandra Bullock . And now: SHE'S NUDE! ALL NATURAL, BABY!
Cleveland, Ohio: population approximately 478,000. Chief export: mediocrity. The sports scene is in shambles: the best Cleveland Brown is, actually, Cleveland Brown of The Cleveland Show, and the best Indians team of the past 30 years featured Charlie Sheen, Wesley Snipes/Omar Epps and the president from 24. The one thing they had going for them, Lebron James, is about to leave the city. Goodbye to their last hope for fixing their crippling economy.
The best part of being rich is that you can pay people to do things for you. Which is why I don't get it when the rich and famous decide to booze and cruise and then get caught. It's one thing when it happens to you or me -- people who don't have the paparazzi following us 24/7. But when anyone outside your immediate family considers you famous, driving drunk almost always leads to failing front page style.
And after watching this tirade, it's clear that Lewis is just saying what the rest of us are thinking: what about our seafood? I'm all for preservation of the Gulf of Mexico but I'm slightly more concerned about the condition of my salmon and catfish. So, if you're scoring my priority scale at home, that's food at number one and the condition of one of our most prized natural resources is at number two.
The summer is exemplified by a lot of things: sweet flicks, warm weather, bright colors, butt-ugly feet in open-toed shoes and, of course, visits to the local swimming pool. And since we're all about educating the masses here at COED, I thought it'd be nice to inform you all about the types of people you'll run into at the pool this summer.
Don't crap where you eat. Don't dip your pen in the company ink. Don't photo copy your butt cheeks and make it the desktop image on all the office computers. Anyone else think these rules are more bogus than beneficial? Being professional at the work is a style cramper and instead of decreasing sexual tension, I'd much rather up the awkward ante. Here are some tips for all you readers who want to do the same.
I'm not sure what the first gift was that I got my dad for Father's Day. Chances are that it was a card that said "Love, Josh" and was scribbled with my chicken scratch four-year old signature that was featured prominently on the post at the foot of my bed. Still, you'd think that as you get older your gift ideas would be refined. Until now, that hasn't been the case. But today, I give all you readers 20 Dad's Day gifts that all of your pop's will dig more than some lame sweater or a gift certificate.
It takes a true talent to manufacture a laugh out of a buzz kill. Like death: if you go too far, it's seen as insensitive; don't go far enough and you're too sensitive (i.e. "too soon" jokes). Many a comic has been booed off a stage before his set is up (in this metaphor, "booing" is dying and "the end of the set" is death...try and keep up). Too many comics have bit the big one before we, and they, were ready for them to die.
On the totem pole of championship events, the NBA Finals is right there between the Indy 500 and the Fourth of July hot dog eating competition. Part of it is because nobody cares about the teams or by the time they're ready to get invested into the Finals, the whole thing is over. Still, the NBA Finals used to mean something. It was the first must-see event of the summer when I was younger. So allow me to count down (or up) some memorable NBA Finals game.
Craig Robinson has been known to steal a scene or two on the long running NBC comedy, The Office, the dick bouncer from Knocked Up or in his latest theatrical undertaking, Hot Tub Time Machine. This summer he'll be hosting NBC's "Last Comic Standing" which means he's about to be all the rage. Get to know him now before he makes it big.
If I had a crystal ball and could see what lay ahead of me past college, I probably would have skipped more classes and studied less. Life after college is not all kitty cats and Monopoly top hats. But luckily for all of you out there, I am nearing the end of year two of my postgrad life I thought it would be a good idea for me to impart my wisdom on all of you about to make that leap.
It doesn't take an overpaid Hollywood executive to figure out how to make a summer blockbuster. In fact, we're pretty confident that any guy with a camera and YouTube account can whip up his own pretty quickly using our formula. Oh and you'll probably also need access to a few major Hollywood stars...but they shouldn't be too hard to find.
College graduation. It's supposed to be a big deal but more times than not, it's just a big letdown. Your graduation ceremony, if you think about it, is your last great lecture hall class where you don't take notes and are just waiting for the cue to start throwing stuff. So with that in mind, here are some tips on how to make it through your own ceremony without ripping out your eyes, hair, or both.
Remakes are bogus. Nine times out of ten, if word gets out that a classic song is being remade, my eyes roll because I can already chalk it up as being a gigantic letdown. But that's not always the case. In fact, there are times when the remake can outshine the original. With that in mind, here are five classic songs that only got that distinction after getting a makeover.