|

The Transcript Of Martin Shkreli’s Jury Selection Is Comedy Gold

martin shkreli

(Photo by Mark Wilson/Getty Images)

Despite the fact that most of the country’s anger has been rightfully directed towards the White House, reallife Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles villain Martin Shrekli is still as hateable and unlikeable as ever, so hopefully you will take as much pleasure as I did in the transcripts from his jury selection.

Earlier in August,  Shkreli, the “Pharma Bro” who infamously jacked up the cost of HIV medication by 5000%, was convicted of three counts of fraud. Shkreli, who gained notoriety after hiking up the price of life-saving drugs, was almost so unpopular that the court wasn’t able to put together a jury.

Not really sure what the court expected, either. Not only did he literally endanger lives, but he disrespected the Wu Tang Clan in New York City. The Wu Tang Clang are LEGENDS in New York, and anyone from here *knows* you do NOT disrespect them, especially the way Shkreli did.


Juror No. 1: I’m aware of the defendant and I hate him.

Benjamin Brafman: I’m sorry.

Juror No. 1: I think he’s a greedy little man.

The Court: Jurors are obligated to decide the case based only on the evidence. Do you agree?

Juror No. 1: I don’t know if I could. I wouldn’t want me on this jury.

The Court: Juror Number 1 is excused. Juror Number 18.


Juror No. 52: When I walked in here today I looked at him, and in my head, that’s a snake — not knowing who he was. I just walked in and looked right at him and that’s a snake.


Juror No. 70: I have total disdain for the man. When you go back to how he was able to put so many children —

The Court: You have negative feelings?

Juror No. 70: Very.


Juror No. 59: Your Honor, totally he is guilty and in no way can I let him slide out of anything because —

The Court: Okay. Is that your attitude toward anyone charged with a crime who has not been proven guilty?

Juror No. 59: It’s my attitude toward his entire demeanor, what he has done to people.

The Court: All right. We are going to excuse you, sir.

Juror No. 59: And he disrespected the Wu-Tang Clan.


Juror No. 144: I don’t think I can because he kind of looks like a dick.


Juror No. 28: I don’t like this person at all. I just can’t understand why he would be so stupid as to take an antibiotic which H.I.V. people need and jack it up five thousand percent. I would honestly, like, seriously like to go over there —

The Court: Sir, thank you.

Juror No. 28: Is he stupid or greedy? I can’t understand.


Shkreli was convicted of two counts of securities fraud and one count of conspiring to commit securities fraud in the legal court and convicted of being a slimy rat-faced f*ck in the court of public opinion.

  • Related TopicsFunny martin shkreli
    Eric ItalianoCOED Writer
    A New Jersey native & Rutgers University graduate who firmly believes it's better to be lucky than good. My goal in life is to one day write a Batman screenplay. You can probably find me somewhere cooking either too little or too much pasta. contact me - eric.italiano@teamcoed.com
    Comments