Gotta Give Credit Where It’s Due: Lonzo Ball’s Girlfriend Is A Dime

Predicting the future is never easy, but fortunately it’s a skill we possess after multiple sessions of peyote drinking in our sensory deprivation tank. It was a harrowing process but one that was worth it for the information being held.

Everything has gone well for Lonzo Ball, he’s the second overall pick by the Lakers just like the prophecy foretold by his father Lavar Ball. But the prophecy is still not complete, not until all three Ball children are playing in purple and gold.

Being the oldest, Lonzo Ball can establish a Big Baller Brand style of play with his crisp passing and his ability to create his own shot. Magic Johnson has decided to give Lonzo the keys to the offense by trading D’Angelo Russell to the other side of the country so Lonzo won’t have to make any eye contact with Timofey Mozgov. Lonzo also won’t have to worry about Russell airing out the laundry and ruining his relationship with his beautiful girlfriend, Denise Garcia.

Lonzo and Garcia have been going out as far back as their senior prom. She plays soccer at UC Riverside so she won’t be too far to see her man patiently waiting for Paul George to walk through the front door next offseason. She’s a smokeshow just like any other woman on the west coast.

Package this with Ball’s FootLocker commercial and the Lakers have all the tools to compete with the Warriors next season. Better hold on tight to your balls Draymond, they’re coming for you.

Now onto the middle brother, LiAngelo Ball who’ll be a freshman next season for UCLA. Daddy Lavar Ball recently made the prediction that LiAngelo won’t be good enough for the NBA but expect LiAngelo to use that to fuel his game. He is considered the weakest prospect out of the family, scoring 72 points in a game only to be one-upped by his younger brother LaMelo with a 92 point performance, also snubbed from the McDonalds All-American Team.

Don’t worry, LiAngelo is still winning with his game as he’s found himself a girl himself. This is Isabella Morris and she wants a piece of the Big Baller lifestyle. She needs to learn from Garcia’s mistake and lock him before he gets a taste of that NBA lifestyle.

LiAngelo is destined for the Lakers as well, but there are factors at play. Lonzo’s presence alone will improve the Lakers to the point to where they could lose their pick since the Lakers can only own their pick if it falls between 2-5 because Steve Nash continues to haunt the hallways of the Staples Center. They’ll have no choice but to sit Lonzo for the season or even purposely break his arm so they can tank to keep their pick. This all comes down to fate as the Lakers will Fall for Ball 2018 to keep their pick and draft LiAngelo no matter what his draft projections are.

Now on to the final piece of the puzzle, LaMelo Ball, who already has a scholarship to UCLA before he even stepped foot on a high school court. Let’s address the elephant, LaMelo has no girlfriend nor could we legally share with you. This is not that type of site, moving on…

LaMelo is destined to be the best player out of all three of the brothers and the final piece of the puzzle. Remember that the Lakers will Fall for Ball 2020 to complete the prophecy. Unfortunately they’ll have to sacrifice their free agent acquisition Paul George so they can truly let the Balls run free in 2021 and win the Lakers their first title in over a decade.

  • Dillon ClancyCOED Writer
    I'm out here trying to make something of myself, but keep getting distracted by how crazy the world is.
    Comments