WWE Monday Night Raw is live from Lafayette, Louisiana. Tonight’s show kicks off with the return of the WWE Universal Champion Brock Lesnar and his mouthpiece Paul Heyman. Let’s not waste a second and get right to the drama now…
WWE Monday Night Raw Viewing Details
WWE Monday Night Raw Results
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Opening Segment: Brock Lesnar Returns
“The Beast Incarnate” Brock Lesnar and Paul Heyman kick off tonight’s episode of Raw. Paul Heyman talks so much trash about Samoa Joe that his face starts turning red. Heyman is pissed for getting choked out by Joe last week. Paul thinks his beast will rip Joe to shreds. Facing Lesnar will be Joe’s worst case scenario.
Out comes Samoa Joe. Paul Heyman shuts up. Joe stares down Lesnar in the center of the ring. Joe throws the first shot with a sick headbutt. Joe goes on the assault. Lesnar regains control. Raw General Manager Kurt Angle calls in security guards to come down to the ring and break up the chaos.
But Joe and Lesnar fight though. They take out the intrusive WWE officials. Joe mounts Lesnar and hits the beasts with stiff strikes. The entire Monday Night Raw lockerroom piles out to pull both men apart. Joe squeezes a kick through the crowd and smacks the bridge of the beast’s nose.
Lesnar fires back, but the crowd is just too immense. Both men have been successfully subdued by their colleagues.
Elias Samson vs. Dean Ambrose
Elias Samson starts off this segment beneath a spotlight. He sings a tune talking trash about Louisiana, hoping that all Cajuns get locked in a cage. Samson sings some trash about Ambrose.
Dean Ambrose’s music hits. They both tangle it up to start tonight’s opening match. Ambrose regains control and sends Samson reeling outside the ring as we go to commercial break.
We’re back from the break and Elias annihilates Ambrose with a sick clothesline. Samson goes for the pin-fall. 1….2…..kick out!
Samson beats Dean down into the corner. The crowd chants “You Suck,” but Samson doesn’t give a f**k. Elias traps Ambrose in the headlock.
Ambrose regains control, but Miz and Maryse come down to ringside and stick their nose in Dean’s business. Elias tries to roll-up Dean, but The Lunatic Fringe kicks out. Ambrose runs out of the ring to assault Dean. The Miz uses Maryse to skirt a beating from a lunatic.
When Ambrose returns to the ring, Samson capitalizes. He drops his knees on Dean’s back. Samson ends Ambrose with a snap swinging neckbreaker.
Elias Samson defeat Dean Ambrose
The Golden Age is back!
We have another excellent video package from Shattered Dreams production. Goldie opens up the segment with a quote from the Godfather, “Keep your friends close, but your enemies closer.” The Golden One is still obsessing over his former tag team partner R-Truth. He never understood old goldie. No one did.
Goldust says, “you better buckle up because you ain’t seen nothing yet.”
Cedric Alexander vs. Noam Dar
As Dar makes his entrance, he’s simultaneously Skyping/Snapchatting with his girlfriend Alicia Fox. She’s upset and crazy as usual and won’t shut up. They even put her video on the titontron.
The referee is trying to get Dar to end the call. Dar has too many people talking to him at once. Alicia warns Dar not to hang up before they start the match.
Within seconds, Alexander ends the match with a Lumbar Check.
Cedric Alexander defeats Noam Dar
Seth Rollins verbally spars with Bray Wyatt
Kalisto vs. Apollo Crews
Kalisto takes Apollo down with a sick kick in the early moments of the match. But Crews rallies back and makes quick work of his masked rival.
Apollo Crews defeats Kalisto
Post-Match: Apollo’s manager Titus O’Neil yanks Akira Tozawa from the audience like a ragdoll. O’Neil is excited as he nearly rips off Tozawa and Apollo’s arms when he raised their arms in victory. It looks like Akira might be joining the Titus Brand.
Emma interrupts an in-ring segment between Nia Jax, Dana Brook, Mickie James, and WWE Raw Women’s Champion Alexa Bliss. Emma considers herself next in line for a shot at Alexa’s championship. Bliss thinks this is all too funny.
Sasha Banks comes out next and all hell breaks loose!
Sasha Banks, Dana Brook & Mickie James vs. Alexa Bliss, Nia Jax & Emma
We see Nia Jax plowing through Dana Brook like a big rig truck. Now, Alexa Bliss is putting the hurtin’ on Dana. Emma gets the tag and Dana Brook is completely defenseless.
Sasha Banks get tagged in and she comes in a bolt of lightning on Emma. The Boss is beating the crap outta Emma. Alexa Bliss steps off the apron and abandons the match. Mickie James takes to the top rope and eliminates Nia Jax outside the ring.
The Boss capitalizes on a vulnerable Emma with a Banks statement. Emma taps.
Sasha Banks, Dana Brook & Mickie James defeat Alexa Bliss, Nia Jax & Emma
Heath Slater & Rhyno vs. The Miz & Guy in Bear Costume
The Miz’s partner is literally a guy in a bear costume riding down to the ring on a tricycle. No bullsh*t.
Slater & Rhyno are beating the hell out of Miz. The bear guy gets the tag and he’s holding his own against the former WWE SmackDown Tag Team Champions. Michael Cole even makes a “barely legal” porn joke.
The Miz ends up beating the hell out of the bear guy. Miz rips off his mask to reveal that he’s just some random dude.
Miz and Slater duke it out. The bear guy comes back in and drops Slater with a Dirty Deeds DDT. The Miz turns around and looks puzzled. This bear guy removes his mask and reveals himself to be Dean Ambrose. The other bear guy is still laid out at ringside.
Dean the bear drops Miz with a Dirty Deeds. Ambrose drops Slater on top of Miz. The referee makes the count.
Heath Slater & Rhyno defeat The Miz & Guy in Bear Costume
Neville vs. Rich Swann
Neville assaults Swann before the match could start. Swann was too busy dancing and left himself open to an angry king. Neville beats the ever-lovin’ sh*t outta Rich, from pillar to post to the barricade. The champ locks Swann into the Rings of Saturn. The referee calls off the match.
The King of the Cruiserweights takes the microphone and talks trash about Akira Tozawa. He mentions that tweet from Titus O’Neil about his future client Tozawa being a future Cruiserweight Champion. Neville tells Akira to “trend lightly” less he wants to bend a knee to the King of the Cruiserweights.
Luke Gallows & Karl Anderson vs. Enzo & Cass
Big Cass is laid out backstage. But he decides to wrestle anyway. Time to put in work, Big Cass! Meanwhile, Gallows & Anderson crack jokes in the ring.
Cass controls the match in the early going. The big man hit the sideslam the Empire Elbow on Anderson. But Cass is obviously still hurt. He tags in Enzo.
Enzo comes in the match like a firecracker. ‘Zo hits Karl with lefts, rights and a huge knee. Enzo knocks Gallows off the apron with a dropkick, but when he turns around, he eats a big running kick from Anderson. From here on out, Enzo Amore is dead weight in the ring.
Enzo eats a Magic Killer to end this match.
Luke Gallows & Karl Anderson defeat Enzo & Cass
Post-Match: Gallows & Anderson are about to hit the Magic Killer on Enzo again, but Big Show music hits. Gallows & Anderson amscrays. They don’t want any Big Show in their lives. Big Show raises the arm of Enzo. Big Cass looks on with a look on his face like he just can’t trust Show.
Big Show doesn’t take kindly to these acquisitions
Enzo is questioning The Big Show. Cass got taken down by one shot backstage. The only person who knock down the seven-foot Cass with ease would be Big Show. Enzo & Cass are suspicious (especially Cass). But the giant feels offended by these acquisitions. He saved Enzo’s half-pint ass for two straight weeks. Big Show thinks Cass is “shawf” because he didn’t make those claims to his face.
R-Truth has a “serious” beef with Goldust
R-Truth fires back against Goldust’s promo. He opens up the video with a quote from the 1967 film Cool Hand Luke. “What we have here is a failure to communicate,” says Truth.
Samoa Joe has a badass interview
Samoa Joe isn’t scary of sh*t. He’s a bad-ass submission machine who’s pretty damn mean. He’ll choke out anyone. Even your grandma…Okay…maybe not your grandma, but you get the point. The guy is ruthless and Brock Lesnar better watch out!
Noam Dar is hot for Pizza Hut
This Pizza Hut promo actually happened during the break in the middle of the tag team main event, but I’ll post it here anyway. Dar seems to be romantically-linked to those cheesy bites pizzas. I hope Alicia wasn’t watching.
Two-out-of-Three Falls Match for the WWE Raw Tag Team Championships: Sheamus & Cesaro (c) vs. The Hardy Boyz
Sheamus attempts a Brogue Kick right off the bat. Matt ducks and takes control. Jeff gets the tag and he hits Poetry In Motion. Matt hits the Side Effect. Cesaro knocks Matt off the apron. Jeff tries to use the top rope, but get kicked in the gut and comes crashing down to the ring. Sheamus goes for the cover. 1…2….3!
Cesaro is going nuts! He jumps up on the barricade and starts screaming with joy and excitement. We have out first fall of the night before we go to commercial break.
“The Celtic Warrior” Sheamus is in control and has Jeff grounded. Sheamus sends Hardy to the mat with a backbreaker. Jeff kicks out at 2 and pissed off Irishman hits him with his Celtic boots. Sheamus attempts a Cloverleaf, but Jeff counters and knocks the big man out of the ring.
Matt gets him some of Cesaro. As Matt smacks Cesaro’s head in the turnbuckle, the crowd repeatedly chants “Delete! Delete! Delete!” The elder Hardy dominates Cesaro. Hardy hits a running clothesline, but Cesaro blocks a a bulldog. Matt hits Cesaro with a torando DDT, and goes for the cover. Cesaro kicks out at the count of 2.
Matt gets the second fall after he hits The Swiss Superman with a Twist of Fate. Hardy tries to go for the cover again, but Cesaro kicks out. The Swiss Superman blocks a Twist of Fate.
Sheamus comes in next to kick ass! A high-knee right smack dab in Matt’s face. The champs double-team Matt, but Jeff breaks it up. The champs and challengers lock it up.
The action spills to the outside. Jeff hits a Swanton Bomb and the crowd goes nuts. The champs take control and drop their opponents, but the referee counts out both teams.
Double Count Out
Post-Match: The Hardy Boyz kick the champions asses. The valiant challengers stand tall and pose for the crowd as the show goes off the air.
WWE Monday Night Raw Announced Matches
- Elias Samson vs. Dean Ambrose
- Cedric Alexander vs. Noam Dar
- Kalisto vs. Apollo Crews
- Sasha Banks, Dana Brook & Mickie James vs. Alexa Bliss, Nia Jax & Emma
- Heath Slater & Rhyno vs. The Miz & Guy in Bear Costume
- Neville vs. Rich Swann
- Luke Gallows & Karl Anderson vs. Enzo & Cass
- Two-out-of-Three Falls Match for the WWE Raw Tag Team Championships: Sheamus & Cesaro (c) vs. The Hardy Boyz