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It Appears The Next Film In The ‘Alien’ Franchise Has Begun Filming In Kim Kardashian’s Butt

Look, anyone who says Kim Kardashian isn’t attractive is just a liar. You could write an entire university-level thesis on why Kim Kardashian is definitively not attractive, and all I’ll do is clean the drool off my mouth from my 1000th time watching Kim K Superstar. As much as you might dislike her and the Evil Empire, if you’re reading this article, I already know there’s an 11/10 chance that you totally would smash over and over again if the opportunity presented itself.

But that isn’t really what we’re talking about here. Cause while Kim Kardashian may objectively still be ‘hot’, whatever the hell is happening with her ass is another story entirely. Have you seen these latest unairbrushed photos? The only reasonable explanation to what’s happening to the backside of Kim Kardashian is that something is living in there. Not living in her ass in the sexual way — the way you and I would — but more like the way a malevolent alien creature would until it was ready to unleash itself on the world.

Kind of like…

That’s right folks, Alien, a franchise whose latest film, Alien: Covenant, comes out in just a short few weeks.

You know what this screams to me? Marketing. The movie preceding this, Prometheus, received a limp-dick reaction from both critics and fans alike. Combine that with the fact that this latest movie has the name ‘Alien’ IN the title and hype is still relatively low, and you have yourself a marketing campaign nightmare. And I haven’t even mentioned the fact that the director, Ridley Scott, has been on a decade-long cold streak (sans American Gangster and The Martian).

So, how does a film franchise with a ton of history but little hype reinvigorate the franchise? By recruiting the most buzzworthy names in the world- the Kardashians — for their next installment.

Now, I don’t know if the next Alien film is being filmed on location inside of Kim Kardashian’s butt cheeks, or it is simply where they are growing the next terrifying creature, but I do know this — it is not a coincidence that these un-airbrushed photos leaked just a couple of weeks before the premiere of Covenant.

I once wrote that Kim’s half-sister, Kylie Jenner, had given up on pretending she was made of human DNA. It appears as though Kim has given up pretending to be human altogether.

Or, Kim Kardashian’s ass is just plain falling off from years of surgery.

  • Eric ItalianoCOED Writer
    A New Jersey native & Rutgers University graduate who firmly believes it's better to be lucky than good. My goal in life is to one day write a Batman screenplay. You can probably find me somewhere cooking either too little or too much pasta. contact me - eric.italiano@teamcoed.com
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