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Killing Yourself Is Your Only Option After Being Friendzoned This Hard

Okay, since internet bullying is a very buzz-wordy, trendy thing these days, I want to be clear that I’m not advocating for this kid to off himself. Kid, if you’re reading this, DO NOT KILL YOURSELF. Potential lawyers reading this, let it be known: I am NOT literally advising this kid to kill himself. I’m invoking parody law which definitely (not really) applies in this situation.

All that said, woah dude. How does one possibly go on living after this? I haven’t been good at math since geometry my sophomore year of high school, but after a quick mental calculation, I imagine taking a girl out on a multi-faceted date like this has got run you close to, I don’t know, $400, maybe $500. Let’s assume they’re 21. So in addition to Top Golf and dinner, you’re getting drinks as well. This kid sounds like a total shmeeb so I imagine he took her somewhere nice, so let’s assume dinner, drinks, Top Golf, and more drinks ran him around $250. Throw in AT LEAST another $100 for horseback riding, and another $50 for ice cream and flowers, and you’re talking about a $400 ticket to Cuck City, Friendzone, USA. And that’s a lowball of an estimate if you ask me.

And as for this chick, what’s the point of putting this on Instagram? How heartless of a bitch do you have to be? First, you fleece the kid out of half-a-grand, then you shame him on social media for being a nice guy. You even throw in a f*cking hashtag? Let me tell you something boys and girls, this right here is why women will always be worse than me. Pure evil. There is no reason to put this picture up other than being purely ill-intentioned. If she really cared about this kid so much, she’d let him be a giant pussy in private.

Or this kid’s gay. For the sake of this kid’s overall self-esteem/survival, I really, truly, hope that he’s gay. Then, this would all make a lot more sense.

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Eric ItalianoCOED Writer
A New Jersey native & Rutgers University graduate who firmly believes it's better to be lucky than good. My goal in life is to one day write a Batman screenplay. You can probably find me somewhere cooking either too little or too much pasta.
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