Horny Bandit Arrested For Stealing 31 Boxes Of Condoms

The Smoking Gun

The Smoking Gun

25-year-old Shaearion Davis was arrested on Tuesday after stealing an absurd amount of condoms. The rubber caper of the century took place at a Schnucks grocery store in Swansea, Illinois. Via The Smoking Gun, here’s how it all went down.

Supermarket employees dialed 911 after they saw Davis swiping the condoms (and they tailed her after she left Schnucks). When Davis spotted the arriving cops, she ditched the Trojans and sought to flee. But the East St. Louis resident was quickly apprehended outside the business (seen below).

Davis, seen above, was charged with felony retail theft. After refusing to allow jail personnel to photograph and fingerprint her, Davis was charged with obstructing a police officer, a misdemeanor.

Locked up in lieu of $50,000 bond, Davis–who has entered a not guilty plea–is scheduled for a January 20 preliminary hearing. Davis’s rap sheet includes prior theft convictions and several outstanding arrest warrants.

31 boxes of condoms!? I couldn’t use that many over the course of an entire lifetime. Homegirl is either a prostitute, on a blistering Tinder hot streak, or an enterprising business woman. Davis might have swiped the condoms, so she could make a killing selling them on the street.

Personally, I love a good bargain, but I’d have to pass on black market condoms. It would just seem way too risky that you’d end up with a shoddy product like the ones Bob Sacamano gave Kramer. The fear of bringing a Toby Hasty Jr. into the world due to using a bootleg condom would far outweigh the benefits of any savings.

Because the value of the condoms exceeded $300, Davis was charged with felony theft. That’s such a dumbass move that I’m going to rule out her being a savvy business woman. I just hope that she had the foresight to get a variety of condoms. She would have been shit out of luck if she encountered a magnum dong.

Related TopicsFunny News condoms crime
Toby HastyCOED Writer
Towson University graduate, Maryland resident, chicken parm connoisseur, and "Gin and Juice" karaoke performer. Follow me on Twitter for frequent complaining and Chappelle's Show quotes.
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