Kylie Jenner causes me to descend into an existential crisis. The internal battle I have when it comes to her is always the same. On one hand, I know she’s made of up of 73% percent plastic, that she’s a main cog in the evil Kardashian empire, and that she’s dating F*CKING TYGA. All of those things are the qualities of a person I’d usually loathe. But on the other hand, you know, she’s got a great butt. And just like possession is nine-tenths of the law, having a nice butt is nine-tenths of a guy being able to forget how miserable of a person you are. To quote an unnamed rapper, the existence of Kylie Jenner is the ultimate “my mind is telling me no, but my body is telling me yes” scenario. Yeah, like I said, existential crisis.
Anyway, why are we here? Well, because Kylie put up a picture of herself that so blatantly fluctuates how manufactured her body is, it’s almost offensive. She’s all but given up on pretending like her body is made up of actual human DNA. For a while, she tried to act like we didn’t know, even though we all did, which is cool I guess. But now? She’s pretty much saying, “Yup, I’m fake AF and you love it so here.” Seriously just take a look at this photo and tell me if you think she gives a crap whether you know her body is fake or not. But like the brainless son-of-a-bitch I am, it’s totally working on me.
Usually, when writing about Emily Ratajkowski, I say she’s the next step in human evolution, and I mean it as a compliment. When I look at Kylie Jenner, I get more of a next-step-in-black-magic vibe.