All These Clown Sightings Have Ronald McDonald Treading Lightly

Michael Buckner/Getty Images

Michael Buckner/Getty Images

I’ve had it up to here with all this clown bullsh*t. Every day it’s something new with these goddamn weirdos. We’ve got clowns hiding in the woods down south, clowns being wankers over the pond in England, clown costume sales going up 300%, and even Stephen King’s spooky ass is getting involved. The only clown story I’ve heard over the past month that made me smile was those Penn State students that were trying to lay the smackdown on one of those creeps.

It is because of all this clown turmoil that Ronald McDonald is being forced to watch his back. From Time:

Ronald McDonald, the iconic clown mascot of McDonald’s, is laying low until the clown craze in the country dies down, the fast-food giant said Tuesday.

McDonald’s said Americans will see less of the recognizable red-haired jester in the yellow suit as the company remains “thoughtful in respect to Ronald McDonald’s participation in community events” as a result of the “current climate around clown sightings in communities,” according to the Associated Press.

The fact that poor Ronald McDonald has to live in fear really pisses me off. All Ronald wants to do is shake hands and sling some delicious, artery-clogging treats. That’s it. He’s pretty much the only clown I’ve ever liked, and now these sick bastards are hindering his ability to make appearances.

We need more vigilante clown justice like we got at Penn State or else these terrorist scum are going to win. The time to negotiate passed a long, long time ago. The first clown I come across this Halloween season is getting the Happy Gilmore treatment. Swing first, ask questions later.

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