Glenn C. Woolard is a Bethlehem, Pennsylvania patrolman who was caught pulling his basketball shorts down and choking the chicken while driving home after the night shift early Wednesday morning. He was arrested for indecent exposure. Now before you judge him, Woolard gave the police a perfectly reasonable explanation for his actions. From the Philly.com report:
The 35-year-old patrolman admitted exposing himself Wednesday morning and also a week earlier in the parking lot of the Target store where a woman said he had his window down “as if he wanted to be seen,” the records say.
In his defense, Woolard allegedly told the trooper, he wasn’t doing it for sexual gratification. He was just trying to stay awake while driving home, court records say.
Oh, Officer Woolard. More like Officer Woodhard, am I right?
Anyway, I’ve never heard of anybody whacking it in the car to stay awake, but then again I’ve never heard anybody tell me it doesn’t work. So maybe Officer Woolard is onto something with this innovative approach. Then again, maybe not. Maybe he’s just a creepy perv with absolutely no shame. I guess you’ll never know for sure until you try his method out.
But you probably shouldn’t, unless you want to be ostracized by everyone you know for the rest of your life after you get arrested. The choice is yours?
If you need to stay awake while driving, just pound a Red Bull or a coffee or something. Don’t pound your meat.
(h/t Barstool Sports)