Everyone knows that break-ups suck, whether you’re the break-upper or the break-ee. Unfortunately, there’s no easy way out — unless you fake your own death, obviously. Tucker Blandford, 23, of Stamford, Connecticut, met almost-bride Alex Lanchester when she was studying abroad at University of Connecticut. After a whirlwind romance, they got engaged, and she went back to England. As their wedding day approached, the groom started developing cold feet. Instead of, you know, talking to her, he faked a suicide… and not even convincingly.
Douchenozzle Tucker called Alex and pretended to be his dad. “He” then told Alex that Tucker had been struggling with depression (real talk: wouldn’t she know that?), and that he’d taken his own life, adding an even more morbid twist to a story of Tim Burton proportions. When Alex called Tucker’s mom to offer her condolences, the mom was like, “Lol wut he’s right here,” (I can only imagine). The mom thought they had broken up months ago, when she had gone back to England. Well, that’s one way to avoid the awkward encounter that occurs when your girlfriend meets your parents for the first time.
While I’ve had dudes go to great lengths to avoid me, faking your own death takes the proverbial (wedding) cake. The couple dated for two years, so I guess “ghosting” by not answering her texts seemed excessive, when he could just ghost by pretending to be dead. Alex described Tucker as “the perfect gentleman,” which should’ve been the first sign that something was astray. He would buy her fancy meals and jewelry, and she was convinced he was the one. Unfortunately, Tucker was bound to be the one that got away (by any means necessary).
The wedding was set for August 15, 2014. Alex bought her dream dress and had Pinterest planned everything. She hired the photographers and sent out invitations. Her poor friends had to invest in bridesmaid dresses (I hope they kept their receipts). She had even paid for a trip for Tucker, so maybe this was all an elaborate long con? Tucker said that he’d booked the wedding venue (false), which was on the campus where they first met. It all sounded like a dream come true, until it turned into a nightmare. The week before Tucker’s arrival, his “dad” called with the news.
Tucker responded to reporters by saying he knows he’s a, “terrible, awful person.” Newsflash, buddy: Not only are you a bad person, you’re a less than creative one. There are so many more exciting, believable ways to fake your own death… at the very least, he should’ve let his parents in on the suicide secret. Next time, Tucker probably should just disappear. After this, he’ll need to — I can’t really see anyone taking a chance on a dude who can’t even bother with a break-up text (or at the very least a post-it note), and I can’t see ghosting working a second time around, unless he’s really convincing. He’ll need to take this time off from dating to start working on a ghost story that’s much more believable.