11 Reasons Why This Week Won’t Suck (Aug. 11-14)

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A colossal week of home video releases schemes to keep you stuck to the couch. There is stuff for all tastes. If you’re looking for a crime saga to binge-watch, Low Winter Sun is reporting for duty. If you’re in the mood for comics action, Batman: Assault on Arkham should be on your dossier. Dumb horror comedy urge? Meet A Haunted House 2. Need a nap and want to plop the kids in front of some stuff? Muppets Most Wanted and Tarzan’s Blu-ray debut are there for you. Should you somehow exhaust all the Blu-ray, DVD and VOD goods, there’s also some NFL, MLB and even college basketball (?!) action waiting to make sure you never leave the house.

Here are the 11 best reasons why this week won’t suck.

SharkWeek

Shark Week

(All Week | Discovery Channel)

It’s Shark Week all week. Take that as a sign that you shouldn’t get in the water at all–just head straight home, open a beer, and watch as nature’s most fearsome predators absolutely tear sh*t apart. When you’re in the ocean, no one can tell you peed yourself.


Andre Ethier

Dodgers at Braves

(Monday 7 p.m. | ESPN)

The Dodgers are finally living up to their league-leading payroll and racking up the most wins in the National League, while the scrappy Braves continue to stick to their pitching-first formula and are in the thick of the wild card race. The Dodgers’ first-six lineup of Dee Gordon, Carl Crawford, Adrian Gonzlez, Matt Kemp, Andre Ethier and Juan Uribe is enough to make any staff shiver.


Calipari

College Hoops Exhibition: Champagne Chalons-Reims vs. Kentucky

(Monday 11 p.m. ESPNU)

Recruiting mastermind John Calipari is taking his youthful band of future lottery picks to the Bahamas to whup up on some squads of foreign professional journeymen. Even though the college season is months away, you can catch some action in Nassau, Bahamas. No doubt the players are hitting the beach clubs as hard as they do the glass.


 

Haunted House 2

A Haunted House 2 on Home Video

(Tuesday)

Picking up where the umpteen Scary Movies left off, the A Haunted House franchise continues the throw-everything-up-against-the-wall school of comedy. Marlon Wayans, Jaime Pressly and Gabriel Iglesias are some of the C-movie stars who signed up for this one. Tons of cultural references, eye-rolling cameos and occasional scares prop up the dopey premise. The Blu-ray/DVD/digital copy combo includes deleted scenes and filmmaker commentary.



Arkham

Batman: Assault on Arkham on Home Video

(Tuesday)

The Dark Knight takes on just about his entire first-string rogue’s gallery in this animated flick, based on the stunning Arkham video games. Batman vies to stop the Joker from destroying Gotham’s prison for the criminally insane, resulting in some excellent action and plotting. The filmmakers didn’t hold back on the mature source material, meaning you’ll get to see Harley Quinn in a tastefully-shot sec scene. Background docs on the Arkham mythos and Harley fill out the Blu-ray/DVD/digital copy set.


 

Low Winter Sun

Low Winter Sun: The Complete Series on DVD

(Tuesday)

AMC’s dialogue-rich crimefest was billed as the successor to Breaking Bad, but didn’t make it past the first season. For those into the likes of The Departed and True Detective, though, the series is well worth a look. Set in a depressed, ragged Detroit, detectives investigate the murder of a cop by a colleague, probing the city’s underworld in which there’s little difference between lawmen and the criminals they chase. Deleted scenes and a slew of featurettes come with the DVD set.


Muppets

Muppets Most Wanted

(Tuesday)

Ricky Gervais and Tina Fey kill it in the latest Muppets outing, playing a pair of devious masterminds who screw up life for Kermit and crew. The whiny frog ends up switching places with an evil doppelganger and serving time in a Siberian gulag. Both take part in song and dance routines that stick in your head, and the humor manages to please adults while entertaining kids. Deleted scenes, filmmaker commentary and a slew of featurettes fill out the Blu-ray/DVD/digital copy combo.


Tarzan

Tarzan

(Tuesday)

Disney’s 1999 animated adventure holds up well as a minor classic, a tier below the likes of The Lion King, Aladdin and Beauty and the Beast. The tale of an orphaned boy raised by apes plays out against the backdrop of sappy-yet-endearing Phil Collins songs, one of which (You’ll Be in My Heart) one the best song Oscar. Deleted scenes, filmmaker commentary and an exhaustive slate of featurettes make the Blu-ray/DVD/digital copy combo worth taking home.


Hohokum

Hohokum

(Tuesday)

More of an experimental toybox than a game with linnear objectives and challenges, the indie sensation has you control a worm-like creature who manipulates the environment, adding color and sound as you solve quirky puzzles. The game is coming to PS4, PS3 and Vita.


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National Skinny Dipping Day

(Wednesday)

When you’re into skinny dipping, you’re always wearing your bathing suit. Celebrate the freeing feeling of letting it all hang out while stealing an invigorating swim from the day-to-day doldrums. It’s an excellent ice-breaker, bonding activity and way to see the goods your friend-zoned crush would always otherwise hide from you. So by all means, skinny dip. Just make sure you’re not doing it when anyone has their camera phone rolling.


 NFL: Cincinnati Bengals at Jacksonville Jaguars

NFL Preseason Football (Jacksonville at Chicago)

(Thursday @ 8:00 PM | ESPN)

A Jacksonville at Chicago NFL preseason game isn’t exactly a can’t miss event of the year–but it’s football and it’s something.

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