10 Things Guys Need To Know About TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES

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We’ve been thinking that most guys are more interested in the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles trailers than the actual movie opening today. We’re also thinking that the film studio is hoping that we’re wrong. The actual movie, however, has us a little baffled about all that.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is a lot more interesting than we expected. Nobody really screws up our childhood heroes too much with this one–which is important, considering that it’s from the same people who gave us the rebooted Transformers. Also, the new Nickelodeon TMNT series is weird enough that we’re not even sure that watching the movie counts as nostalgia. And while it’s no Guardians of the Galaxy, the new Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles plays like a straight superhero movie, and not the worst one that we’ve seen this year.

Also, we were drunk when we saw it, and that helped. But if you’re trying to make up your own mind–well, here are some vital facts that might affect where you spend your movie money this weekend….

There’s some really cool animation that starts off the film, and it’s a shame that the whole thing doesn’t keep going like that. The movie would be like Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Go To Sin City. It doesn’t look as weird as the Nickelodeon series on the air right now, though.

The movie also opens with Megan Fox on a trampoline in a low-cut top, and ends with her in leather pants. In between, we learn that she can’t act.

Pizza Hut gets the product plug here, as opposed to Domino’s in the films from the ’90s. It kind of sucks that the New York City-bred turtles are really into Pizza Hut, but the pizza in the movie must be some kind of CGI masterpiece. It looks as good as the one in the old cartoons.

It’s really obvious that William Fichtner’s character was originally supposed to be Shredder. Then the studio panicked and did some reshoots. Fichtner’s character also claims to have shot April O’Neil’s father–although April sure remembers things differently in the flashback.

Actually–as April O’Neil remembers things with her role in the Turtles’ origin story–her scientist father was a psycho who burned down his own laboratory and killed himself in the process while also putting his daughter at risk of dying in a fire. Nobody in the movie seems troubled by that.

This may be a kiddie movie, but the script crams in lots of nostalgia, so they’re hoping that some older guys will ignore it’s a Nickelodeon production and come in for some drunken fun. Also, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles follows Frozen with a nostalgic Arrested Development sandwich reference–from this guy.

The original Teenage Mutant Ninjas Turtle movie from 1990 did a much better story of being about family and parents. Watch that one this weekend and then call your dad.

In about 15 years, a lot of hipster writers will be telling us how they were terrified at a young age by the CGI version of Splinter. The 1990 version is a lot more lovable–and seems more like a giant rat than some weird mutation, damn it.

The original story isn’t bungled too badly. It’s a good thing that somebody threw away those instructional books on being a ninja, though. Splinter found them in the sewer, which turned out to be a lot more helpful than all of those copies of D-Quan’s Dance Moves that got tossed over the years.



And if you just want to know if the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles still love hip-hop–well, Gwen Stefani is sure a big influence on them. We’re pretty sure that we heard a Wu-Tang reference, too. There’s also this clip that sets up the movie’s big climatic battle. It’s in daylight, too, and provides the best look at the turtles that you get in the entire movie. The script sure makes a big deal out of them saying “Cowabunga,” too–so, yeah, they’re expecting some older guys in the theater. Just get drunk first.

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