Don’t get me wrong–being young and having fun is as important as anything in life. But assuming you live past the age of 28, there are a few things that you just can’t get away with, without reaping some serious consequences. Here are the top 20 things you do when you’re young that, when looking back, make you wonder how you could have been such a complete and total dumbass.
Piling Up Some Credit Card Debt
This one applies to everyone, since we Americans all seem to be addicted to screwing ourselves over in the long run by getting greedy and buying a bunch of stupid crap every 10 seconds when we can’t afford it. Yep, we’ve been there, too. And for now, while your biggest commitment in life is playing Watch_Dogs, it might seem okay. But when you have a family to support and sending your kids to college is suddenly slopped on your plate, you’re going to be eating a giant sh!t sandwich. That is, unless you call saving for the future and holding off on that new 50-inch plasma screen anything other than a sh!t sandwich. Not that we have to tell you that anymore, since you don’t have a job. Hmm, wonder how that happened…
Not Going to the Dentist
Dental care isn’t something that you graduated from along with high school. Your parents are probably relieved that they don’t have to worry about taking you to the dentist anymore, but that doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t take some responsibility there. This isn’t just for your dental health, either–although neglecting your teeth through your 20s can set up a lot of problems with your teeth in your 30s. You’re also protecting your dating life. You only have to get about five years into neglecting visits to your dentist to find it affecting your love life. Those twice-yearly cleanings also keep a guy being very kissable. There are plenty of 25-year-olds out there who brush regularly and are still stuck with chronic bad breath.
Dating Strictly Within Your Circle of Friends
Life isn’t a sitcom, and you don’t want to be one of those people who’ve slept with everyone in your expanded social circle by the age of 25. It’s a cold hard fact that you’ll be devaluing yourself regardless of your sex. We do, however, recommend sleeping with everyone in someone else’s social circle. Keep a few nights free to go prowling outside of your usual haunts and enjoy hot sex with people who won’t be able to compare notes later with everyone else that you know. We don’t even care if you’re getting glowing reviews. Online dating is very convenient for this, of course, but you should also check out new settings to pick up somebody. Which brings us to another decision that you’ll regret…
Not Having Sex With A MILF
You’re only in your early twenties for a few short years. Do you know what hot older women really like? They like young men. College-age men, you could say, or men just out of college. Take advantage of that, you fool. If you don’t try your absolute hardest to bag at least one MILF, you’re doing it all wrong. Be a cub to your own personal cougar. Channel your inner Benjamin Braddock (that’s Dustin Hoffman from The Graduate) and forget about the girls your age and go after a divorcee mom instead. Hell, it’s worth it just for the possible epic story.
Posing For Dirty Internet Pics
For some reason, people these days just can’t help posting pictures of themselves and their friends doing stupid, drunken, naked things online. But despite the fact that everybody’s doing it, don’t be fooled: Sometime, sooner or later, those pictures are going to come back to haunt you. And when they do, it will start a sh!tstorm you can’t even imagine. And pretty soon that trip to Vegas when you were 23 will turn into the reason you are fired from your job, divorced from your wife and/or estranged from your children. Seriously.
Forgetting That Foreign Language You Spent Years Learning
The classes that always meets early in the mornings always seem to be Language 101 classes. We get it–you’re tired and you were partying like a champion the night before. The problem is that you’re going to leave college and start a life where you’ll constantly regret not being able to speak a certain language.
Whether it’s actually traveling to France, Germany, or any of the countries that speak Spanish, you’ll be missing out on plenty of opportunities to impress locals. Or, more importantly, the hot chick you’re traveling with. And then you’ll probably end up paying for these same classes again later in your life–after you realize the value of speaking numerous languages.
Serious Drug Use
Yeah, we’re joining your parents in saying that drugs are bad for you. That includes dabbling in heroin and methamphetamine. We’re not just worried about your mental health, either. Methamphetamine can put a hole in your stomach, and it’s no fun having ulcers through your 20s. People tend to leave out those kinds of lingering effects while happily reminiscing about their heavy drug days (which, in our experience, usually tend to be heavily exaggerated by people leading successful lives). The least physically-damaging drug is marijuana, and we recommend that you don’t get carried away with that stuff, either. We’ve seen a few promising careers go in the the toilet over talented people becoming potheads.
Getting A Tattoo (Or Tattoos)
These days, having a tattoo is practically like having a belly button–everybody’s got one. The only difference is, having a belly button isn’t going to make you want to punch yourself in the face for stupidity as soon as you’re out of your “Jack Daniels phase.” Of course plenty of tattoos won’t be constantly regrettable reminders that you were once a retard. That is, unless you got any on your face, neck, fingers or any other place where your boss is then forced to know how much you used to like naked Star Wars characters. Oh and ladies: the day will come when your lower back tattoo is going to be known as the “old lady tattoo.” Not so sexy, is it?
If you didn’t know smoking kills you by now, then you probably deserve whatever fate becomes you. Whatever. The thing the never-smokers don’t understand is, smoking is good for the soul, damnit! (Unfortunately, you only think that because you’re addicted to nicotine.) But unless you’re some type of endlessly-going genetic anomaly, this sh!t will kill you. So unless you want your kids to think you’re a total asswipe, quit right now. If you don’t want to have kids, fine. But that’s not going to make the chemo any less sucky, that’s all we’re sayin’…
Choosing Your Best Friend’s Girlfriend Over Your Best Friend
She was hot. She was so smokingly hot, your f’ing crotch could’ve spontaneously combusted at any moment. And the fact that she was untouchable, lest you ruin the entire friendship you and your best buddy had built up since you were six, made her all the more desirable. But one day, they broke up. And all of a sudden, you were spending your days holding hands and helping her pick out duvet covers. You and that creep Mr. Ex stopped talking. Time goes by. Then some afternoon, you come home to find her in bed with some guy from the laundromat. And the sad thing is, in the end, you are the douchebag, and that’s all there is to it.
Getting Married Too Young
This rotten son-of-a-bitch trap can swallow even the most farsighted individuals. And we get it: You meet the woman of your dreams. You spend all your time with her; she gets all your jokes. And pretty soon, she’s on the pill and you’re living under the same roof, picking out paint for the dining room, secretly wondering what the hell happened to your manhood. Before you know it, you’re d*ck deep in webcam girl bills and pleated khakis. Next up, divorce, which charmingly includes going into debt to pay for the lawyers. But the sick twist is, she never wanted any of that bullsh!t either.
Getting A Body Piercing (Or More)
We’ve been there. The piercing you either got at the mall or did in your friend Tim’s basement with a safety pin just wasn’t cool enough, so you switched to 16-gauge hoops, then to 14–and before you knew it, you’ve shoved the biggest g*ddamn thing that doesn’t look like it will give you herpes through your ear lobe like you’re from f**king Ethiopia. But beware: once you’ve finally decided to take out the massive disks in your ears, your lobes will be so stretched, you’ll have to have them sewn up to keep from looking like you have a shriveled butt hole on each ear.
Having Unprotected Sex
Yeah, you might have been drunk and it feels better without a condom–but try explaining that to your loved one who’s wondering how you got that outbreak, or to your future loved ones who have to deal with the intimate baggage you pack in your briefs. To quote The Hangover: “What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. Except herpes. That sh!t’ll come back with you.” This is one time when college is just like Las Vegas. So when the night comes and you’re totally wasted, remember to not be a fool and wrap it up…you tool. See what we did there? Furthermore, don’t be dumber, put it in a rubber. Rhymes are easier to remember when you’re drunk.
Not Traveling (Enough)
It’s hard to realize when you’re 21, but the time for whisking off to foreign lands with nothing to worry about besides which awesome thing to see next quickly evaporates. (Just ask any older person, they’ll tell you all about it.) Before you know it, you’re still in the same place you were seven years before, but with too many responsibilities to get away with jetting off to India for six months, just for the hell of it. So the best bet is to get as much traveling in while you’re single, childless and can still afford to not be working on building up your 401K (as if those mattered much these days, anyway). So what are you waiting for?
Stressing Out Too Much
You will always remember that epic naked mile at 4 am that you took with all of your friends. You’re not going to remember how you studied for a week for some Finite Mathematics test that you ended up barely passing. It’s just the truth. You can stress all you want to about grades–but you’ll soon realize that college GPAs don’t mean jacksh!t in the real world. You’re better off skipping that study session and heading to a networking night with an open bar. But still do some studying, or else you’ll regret…
Not Finishing School
One thing you quickly learn in college is that not having any money to spend sucks a hot cup of assholes. By your junior year, all you want to do is sit still for two f**king seconds and relax, instead of zipping around like a PCP addict. So you drop out, get an OK job, do OK stuff and have OK things. Cool, right? Maybe. But if you want to really do something interesting with your life, you’re going to have to do a hell of a lot better than that. (And, yes, we know that some of the most successful people in the world dropped out of school. Fine–whenever you want to invent something that changes the world, be our guest.)
Getting Used to Having Roommates
We know that this is a lousy economy and that college students might not even be able to afford sharing an apartment after they graduate. The goal should still always be to live alone once you’re in your 20s. Don’t start thinking that life is pretty good when you’re sharing the food costs and always have an immediate Player 2 in the vicinity. Life is pretty good when you can impulsively take someone back to your apartment–and even better when that person is comfortably alone with someone who’s living like a real adult. A neat studio apartment always beats a cluttered two-bedroom.
Doing Lots of Legal Drugs
And now we’re warning you about drugs that your parents might have bought for you. It might be awesome to go to Mexico on Spring Break and blow all your monopoly money (aka pesos) on Xanex and Valium–but the potential drug addiction is a lot less awesome.We won’t preach too much here, but you don’t want to get to the point where you can’t sleep without taking 3 sticks. Same goes for Adderall as a habit. You don’t want to leave college and start buying Adderall from your neighbor’s kid to get through your first job. And give some thought to how you’re trading a 5-second euphoria via whip-its in return for permanently losing some brain cells.
Avoiding People Who Aren’t You
Certain people aren’t stupid just because they don’t know all of the evolutionary stages of your favorite Pokemon. It just means that Pokemon doesn’t fall into their range of interests–and, amazingly enough, not everything in the world has its importance defined by how you perceive it. Don’t avoid people who are into square-dancing or goat farming. You’ll spend a lot of your life later learning that people who seemed dull actually had incredibly weird and fun lives. There might be the occasional surprise serial killer, but you’ll more likely learn that someone’s square-dance club also doubled as a swingers’ organization. Which, in a very roundabout way, reminds us of this…
Not Spending More Time With Your Parents
Mom and Dad might not be hip to your world, or your life, or even the Internet, but that doesn’t mean they aren’t the two most important people you have. And believe it or not, they can be gone before you know it. Make sure to spend time with them whenever you can. Call them, send them a card, do anything that lets them know that you’re not a complete f**k-up. If you only see the folks once a year, then we can pretty much guarantee some expensive psychiatry bills in your future.