Gambling cheats are in the news lately–mostly because of a guy that we can’t really even think of a gambling cheat. It’s up to the courts to decide if professional card shark Phillip Ivey, Jr. conned the Borgata Casino in Atlantic City out of $9.6 million by…well, we’re not exactly sure what the problem is here. Ivey went to the Borgata and played poker with the Borgata’s cards as dealt by the Borgata’s employees, and suddenly it’s supposed to be some kind of crime that he figured out a flaw in the Borgata’s game. We doubt that we’d be very sympathetic to the casino if we were on that jury.
We don’t want to gamble with Phillip Ivey, Jr., though. We’re more interested in the genuine bad boys who’ve managed to get themselves officially banned from the casinos of Las Vegas. Yes, that can happen–and we’re impressed that anybody would even risk that rap. We’ve seen what happens to cheating gamblers in movies like Casino and The Cooler. Chances are that the violence in those movies was toned down, too.
Anyway, check out these true enemies of the Nevada State Gaming Control Board. These are 10 tough gamblers who went up against the machine and faced the consequences. They’re not allowed in Las Vegas casinos, and that’s a damn shame–because these are exactly the kind of people we want to be gambling with in Las Vegas…
We’ve done some hard partying in Vegas before, but never with a guy like Timothy John Childs–who, it’s reported, listed “Slot Cheat” as his job while applying for a loan. Even the porn stars we were with just wrote “Actress” on their tax returns.
When you run into a guy like Joseph Vincent Cusumano, you better not think of him as some old guy. You better think of him as a survivor. And you can put him in the Black Book and you can shoot at him, but Joseph Vincent Cusumano is still staying in Vegas, ya bastards.
COED staffers already have a lot in common with Douglas William Barr, Sr. We don’t have a source of legitimate income, either. We’d also like to hang out with Douglas William Barr, Jr., but he’s on the banned list, too–and we’d already be pushing things by getting Barr, Sr. into a casino.
Cheating at slots sure sounds tougher than cheating at cards. We’re thinking it must involve a series of magnets and levers. We’d like to learn more from Jerry Dale Criner, who also looks like he could recommend some really good bars that haven’t changed their decor since 1974.
Tommy Glen Carmichael is an official “substantial threat” to the gaming industry. We’d be wearing that as a tattoo if we were this guy. And just think of all the chuckleheads roaming around Las Vegas who consider themselves to be even minor threats. Tommy would set those guys straight.
That’s right, suckers–Sandra Jay Vaccaro is the only woman to be banned from the casinos of Las Vegas. There’s a real dame. Also, we wouldn’t have to worry about her husband catching us buying her drinks, because he’s banned from the casinos, too.
They gave Ronald Dale Harris the keys to the State Gaming Control Board, and he went rogue to the tune of six figures on a Keno game–and that wasn’t enough, so he took on the slot machines, too. He’s probably still hanging around Las Vegas just to keep his old bosses on their toes.
Check out William Gene Land in these mug shots. Is that the smile of a man who joined the $1,000,000 Club of Card Markers? We don’t have to answer that, but we’d probably still insist that he pay for dinner.
Hey, we’d love to talk sports with Richard Mark Perry. We’d also like to hear his thoughts on a bookmaking business complaining about having money hidden from them–but, yeah, we’d mostly like to hear about influencing sporting events. We got a weekly Beer Pong thing happening.
Here’s another guy who can cheat slot machines, but that’s not the best reason for hanging out with Harold Travis Lyons. We just want to know what kind of badass still gets banned from casinos while serving a life sentence in prison. “Better keep Lyons on the list, guys–just in case…”