In case you missed it, something big happened on Game of Thrones last night. Yeah yeah, something big happens every episode, but last night’s especially. So if you haven’t seen the episode yet, do yourself a favor and stay off the internet. Whoops, too late.
Well at least just stay away from those annoying people who love to talk about last night’s episode the morning after. Listen guys, not everyone is rich enough to afford HBO. Some of us need to wait for the episodes to be uploaded to “HBO Go” or Pirate Bay before we can get our incestous, murder-filled fix.
At least wait until Tuesday before you start talking out loud about what’s happened. There are few people worse than those who reveal spoilers about our favorite shows.
Unfortunately those people are everywhere: the cafeteria, the office, the gym, EVERYWHERE. Luckily, we’ve come up with ten classic (and appropriate) punishments from Game of Thrones that are sure to set an example of these criminals and nip this problem in the bud.
Edit: Of course, we’ve used punishments from previous seasons so these are all technically spoilers–but only up to Season 3. If those are still spoilers to you, catch up! What are you doing with your life?
1. The Bucket o’ Rats: Have someone attach a bucket to your chest. The catch? The bucket has a rat in it. And when someone holds a torch to the bottom of that bucket, the rat is going to do whatever it takes to survive–including eat through your stomach to survive.
Why you deserve this punishment: Because you’re snitching on what happens in new episodes, making you a rat. And what do rats get?
Exterminated More rats! You’ll be like a rat king.
2. Have Your Whole Family Murdered At Your Wedding: It’s simple. You’re invited to a fake wedding with your whole family. Then you’re all murdered.
Why you deserve this punishment: Because we’re really upset you ruined our Monday evening. This just seems like a logical punishment. No?
3. Have Your Member Cut Off: You’re captured, tortured, lead into believing that you’ve escaped, captured again, then “dis-membered.”
Why you deserve this punishment: Because you’re already a prick for spoiling The Red Wedding, you don’t need another one.
4. Have Your Dire Wolf “Put Down”: By “put down” we mean killed.
Why you deserve this punishment: Because we’re plain evil.
5. Be Pushed Out Of A Tower: We tell you that we’ve got all the spoilers located up in a high tower, all you need to do is climb up it to see them. Then we push you out the window down that same tower. (Editor’s Note: Yes we know that you can just read all the books, but you haven’t.)
Why you deserve this punishment: Because you’re a nosy motherf*cker who’s always trying to know everything.
6. Beheading: Simple. You’re beheaded in front of a large crowd.
Why you deserve this punishment: Because if science has taught us one thing, it’s that when we remove your head from your body, you can’t spoil nothing.
7. Wrestle A Bear: You’re thrown into a pit with nothing but a wooden sword to fight a bear. Good luck with that.
Why you deserve this punishment: Because in our fantasy world, bears are instruments of justice. Plus, you don’t really stand a chance anyways.
8. Have This Sharp-Looking Thing Inserted Somewhere In You: A scepter featuring very sharp deer antlers will not go into you easily. If you don’t complain about the pain, though, you’ll be shot with arrows to put you out of your misery early.
Why you deserve this punishment: Because evil people deserve evil sh*t.
9. Get Banished To A Frozen Wall: You’ve got to “take the black,” join the Night’s Watch, then get banished to The Wall–where you can’t have sex and you’re miserable.
Why you deserve this punishment: Because your cold heart deserves a cold place to put it.
10. Have Your HBO Account Suspended: Your account gets suspended for one week for the first spoiler. Two times? A month. Third time? You’re banned for life. Have fun watching Real Sex then.
Why you deserve this punishment: Because you need to understand what it’s like to live without HBO. The struggle is real.