According to South Korean newspapers, Kim Jong-Un has taken a page from the Official James Bond Villain Handbook and executed his most recent enemy of the state with a flamethrower. Yes, you read that correctly and there was nothing lost in translation… a motherf*cking flamethrower.
To me, flamethrowers are just about the most awful and terrifying weapon that people can use. Flaming liquid all over your body, cooking you like that creepy Nazi doctor from Raiders of the Lost Ark.
But seriously, who even uses flamethrowers anymore? No one. Which is why it makes total sense that Kim Jong-Un went ahead and brought them out of toy cabinet. Let’s look at the facts:
• Kim Jong-Un knows that his country is backwards as hell. He knows what we think of him and his country. That’s why he embraces being the bad guy a la Razor Ramone–it’s the only way to make sure that he gets any press.
• His executions have gotten more and more extreme. And while that mortar execution was flat-out genius (that’s some cold-hearted sh*t) flamethrowers just send a message.
• The fact that most armies don’t use flamethrowers any more means that he can call that weapon his own. Like a calling card.
Obviously I feel for the poor guy who was brutally executed by this sick, fat f*ck, but this story also gives us a good chance to talk about ideas for upcoming executions on Kim Jong-Un schedule. You can’t just follow up feeding to dogs, mortar attacks, and flamethrowers with simple bullets in the head. You need to stay in the media’s focus. So here are some ideas we’ve been kicking around:
• Cooking you in an oven and feeding you to your own family trapped in prison camps, who despite knowing that they’re eating you, are desperate to eat something.
• Recreating a Saw movie. But obviously with less technology (because they literally don’t have it) and no possibility of escape.
• Having the “honor” of being the first person to ever man one of their satellites, because that went over so well the first time. BTW, their NASA program is called NADA. You can’t make stuff like that up.
• Being decapitated and having your head stuck on a pole. That’s nothing new but it’s still just plain old evil.
• Something, anything, involving Dennis Rodman.