Museums aren’t for everybody. Same goes for drugs. But mix the two together and I can guarantee you that you’re in for one of the most eye-opening experiences of your life. [lead image via Shutterstock]
But before you just go taking drugs and going to exhibits willy-nilly, don’t you want to know which narcotics are best suited for which museum? Of course you do! So let’s take a trip around our eight of our country’s greatest museums as we get high as a kite.
Museum of Natural History (New York City)
Drug You Should Take: Mushrooms
Why: The Museum of Natural History boasts some of the best wildlife dioramas on the planet. If you take enough caps, you could very well bring them to life–making for your very own Night At The Museum.
Don’t Miss: The big blue whale hanging from the ceiling. You can really only understand the sheer size of these creatures when you’re totally f*cked out of your mind.
Smithsonian National Air And Space Museum (D.C.)
Drug You Should Take: Crack
Why: Because you’ll need some serious chemical energy if you plan on seeing all the airplanes and spaceships. Plus there’s just something exciting about actually being able to smuggle a crack pipe on an airplane, without having to deal with those TSA trolls.
Don’t Miss: Their business aviation exhibit. If you start actually selling some of your crack, as opposed to doing it all, you could be flying high on one of these jets yourself.
Museum of Modern Art (New York City)
Drug You Should Take: Ecstasy
Why: This is kind of tough because I always advocate the use of rolls wherever you go, but I suppose if I had to explain the best reason for popping a Molly at the MoMA specifically, I would point to their popular performance art exhibitions. MDMA just makes that sh*t so much easier to watch.
Don’t Miss: The many water fountains MoMA has scattered around their building. You’re going to be sweating like a motherf*cker.
The Hayden Planetarium (New York City)
Drug You Should Take: Bath salts
Why: I’ve always felt that the only way to fully understand my small place in this great big universe is crushing up salts originally designed for bathing, then railing them straight into my brain. But as far as the Hayden Planetarium is concerned, taking bath salts is really the only way to see all the Zombies and Hellspawn lurking inside the exhibits. Gotta stay away from those.
Don’t Miss: “Dark Universe,” the show that attempts to explain the creation of new matter in the universe and the reason why your neighbor’s dog wants you to viciously bite his owner’s nose off.
Museum of Science (Boston)
Drug You Should Take: Heroin
Why: Because in today’s crazy world of technology, we need to warmly embrace science in the same way that heroin warmly embraces users. Also there’s a great needle exchange location at the CVS right around the corner.
Don’t Miss: The daily live presentations. Their spiel on nanotechnology will definitely start you wondering as to why they haven’t applied that technology to intravenous drugs.
J. Paul Getty Museum (Los Angeles)
Drug You Should Take: Acid
Why: It’s not secret that the only way to properly understand and digest art is to take tabs of LSD. Which brings us to The Getty. You’re going to want to bring a lot of LSD with you, considering the vast amount of collections they’ve accumulated.
Don’t Miss: “Connecting Seas: A Visual History of Discoveries and Encounters.” If you’re anything like me, you’ll have already had your suspicions as to the extent that aliens are involved with high-ranking government officials and projects. This look back at some of the world’s most important discoveries and explorations points just makes that connection all the more obvious.
Indianapolis Children’s Museum (Indianapolis)
Drug You Should Take: Glue
Why: While I agree that there’s no greater feeling than huffing glue around a bunch of children, the real reason you need to be huffing glue in the Indianapolis Children’s Museum is because of the effect it will have on your brain. Strategically eliminating all available brain cells is the best way to ensure that everything you see remains new and educational.
Don’t Miss: The museum store. They’ve got all sorts of interesting types of glue sticks and glue pots to make sure you keep tripping until your hearts’ content.
High Museum of Art (Atlanta)
Drug You Should Take: Purple Drank (aka lean)
Why: Because you’re in Atlanta, the birthplace of Purple Drank. And what better place than the nicest collection of art south of the Mason-Dixon line to get your lean on?
Don’t Miss: Their current exhibit on Civil Rights Photography. The feeling of warm embrace you’ll get from the drugs will surely contrast with the stark imagery and serious depression, making for one of the most emotional days of your life.