Time to dust off your white suit, break out the Wayfarers, and start looking for that kid Molly everyone’s always losing, because today is the 99th Anniversary of one of the most crazy party towns: Miami Beach.
Incorporated on March 26th, 1915, the municipality has become much more than just #7 on our list of Trashiest American Spring Break Destinations–it’s the become the pre-eminent beach resort in the world.
In anticipation of Winter Music Conference/Miami Music Week/Ultra 2014, we thought that we’d take a look at our favorite 20 reasons why we love the ridiculousness that is Miami Beach:
#20: Saving Money Is For Poor People
Miami Beach is expensive, no two ways about it. But it’s not like I earned my money to save it, right? I came here to spend it on women who wouldn’t piss on me if I was on fire!
[Editor's note: Obviously I'm joking here but the fact of the matter is that any trip to Miami Beach is going to be expensive. The sooner you learn that the more fun you can have.]
Every winter, right about the time of Art Basel, every single model in the world descends on Miami Beach to soak in some sun and meet/greet other beautiful rich people. It’s like a rite of passage.
#18: Always Flip-Flop Weather
Other than the occasional disastrous hurricane, the only complaints that people have about the Miami weather is that sometimes it gets too hot.
#17: Miami Vice
Cocaine, white pants, and Ray Bans wouldn’t really be as cool as they are now if Miami hadn’t given birth to Miami Vice.
#16: King of Diamonds Strip Club
Right up there with The Spearmint Rhino, the King of Diamonds is probably one of the most famous strip clubs in the country. Shout out to my ladies Tip Drill and Skrawberry!
Miami Beach found its way to #7 on our list of America’s Trashiest Spring Break Destinations.
#14: The Electric Pickle
This isn’t technically on Miami Beach, so you need to forgive me–but there’s no way in hell I’m talking about Miami without mentioning The Electric Pickle. Not only does The Pickle have the coolest name for any venue I’ve ever been to, it’s sound system, owner, crowd, and musical guests are all top-notch. Those of you looking for less douch-y but lively places to hang out should go here.
As if it wasn’t obvious enough that there are beautiful women everywhere you look in Miami, the biggest modeling agencies in the city put together The Model Beach Volleyball contest. Two years ago it featured the likes of Nina Agdal and this past year, none other than Charlotte McKinney showed her lovely mug. To see the full recap from 2014, click here.
#12: The People Mover
It’s free and it has the best name for any public transport system I can think of.
#11: Great Arguments
#10: People Watching
The types of people that stay or go to Miami Beach are one-of-a-kind. And the people watching isn’t just limited to a daytime activity, either. While you’re inevitably going to stand in line for one of the huge clubs you promised yourself you wouldn’t go to, make sure to keep your eyes peeled for some of the finest ladies you’ve ever seen.
#9: Any Squirrel Can Get A Nut
Here’s the key for picking up (most) chicks in Miami–pretend like you’re rich and have never worked a full day in your life. For some reason, the whole “employed” thing is a real turnoff to ladies down there. Once you’ve nailed that down, some of the most beautiful women
#8: Nice Beaches
Ignoring all the other things that are going on in Miami Beach, the beaches down in Miami really are top-notch. Far too many people actually travel to Miami Beach and never step foot in the sand. Big mistake.
#7: The Latina Women
From what I’ve seen and heard, the finest Latina women in the world flock to Miami Beach. Colombian women especially.
#6: Fountainebleau / LIV
When you pay $25 for a Red Bull and vodka, you’re not paying for the best sound system in world (even though it is), nor are you paying for the best DJs in the world (even though they come there). You’re paying to be surrounded by the single most attractive group of women you’ve ever seen in your life. Seriously for all the joking around we make about how superficial Miami Beach’s scene is, a night at LIV is (an expensive) once-in-a-lifetime experience.
#5: Dress Code
Everywhere you look on Miami Beach there are women walking around in nothing but bikinis. This is a dress code that exists in very few other places in the world. Learn to love it.
#4: Tan Lines
Who doesn’t love tan lines?
#3: Winter Music Conference/Miami Music Week
We’re going to be missing Winter Music Conference for the first time this year and it’s taking everything in my soul to keep me from crying my eyes out. Anyone who’s ever been before (either to Ultra or any of the other pool parties going down) will tell you that the city turns into an absolute EDM madhouse. Everyone who likes EDM should at least go to one Winter Music Conference/Miami Music Week.
#2: One Of The Few Places You Can Rent A Sportscar By The Hour
This one might be something that only I find hilarious, but Miami Beach is so superficial that someone actually realized that you could make a killing off of renting luxury sports cars out to people who can’t really afford to buy them for more than an hour. The best part is that all the locals have seen these cars before, so they immediately recognize when someone’s not actually the baller they’re pretending to be.
#1: Pool Parties
The beach is nice and the clubs are fun, but the real parties in Miami are the daytime pool parties. These are what you really should plan your days around. Find a good pool party on Saturday and stay there until you can’t anymore. Everywhere in Miami has a pool (for better or worse) so make sure to make the right decision before you fork up $60 for admission.