Courtney Love thinks she’s found Malaysian Airlines Flight 370. You know Malaysian Airlines Flight 370, right? It’s been a full ten days now since it took off from Kuala Lumpur and just… vanished. Think about that. The United States has satellites that can virtually put you on the ground in Baghdad, the NSA likely has a presence on the device you’re reading this article on right now—to say nothing of the combined resources of the international community as they comb the entire Indian Ocean—and a Boeing 777 with 239 total passengers and crew has just disappeared. And while it’s certainly only a footnote on the whole of this perplexing story, another bit of news has surfaced, and it, too, defies all logical explanation:
But nobody thought to ask Courtney Love, or even consult her Facebook page.
You might remember Courtney Love as the wife of late Nirvana frontman Kurt Cobain—or, more memorably, as the woman who unsuccessfully tried to parlay her celebrity widow status into a lasting career in music and film. She’s since styled herself as a supersleuth, unravelling a knot that no one else could via satellite image host Tomnod before broadcasting her find on Facebook. “I’m no expert,” she cautioned—because we might have assumed she was—“but up close this does look like a plane and an oil slick.”
Her accompanying visual aid would appear to depict indistinct waves in a featureless ocean, save for Courtney’s own captions and arrows: there’s the “oil slick,” and there’s the “plane.” And there are Miss Love’s initials, which really give the image, clearly finessed in MS Paint, the appearance of something a kindergartner would throw together—and honestly, if any child of yours presented you with such a thing, you’d ask yourself how you’d sired such dimwitted offspring.
Our sincerest apologies to anyone with a vested or even cursory interest in the whereabouts of Flight 370—but no, we don’t believe it’s been located, nor can we even conceive of its discovery by none other than Courtney Love after a few simple clicks online. But in all fairness, we appreciate Love’s desire to make herself useful—she clearly couldn’t help Cobain find a reason to live, so maybe helping the world find a mystery jet would lift her spirits some.