The Unofficial March Madness Bracket Of Ridiculous Sex Moves [NSFW]

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Regardless of whose advice you take when filling out your NCAA bracket, you’re going to get f*cked–that’s just the sad truth. And it’s not going to be the good kind of “f*cked,” it’s sure to be the deeply embarrassing (and possibly even scarring) variation of “f*cked” that should make you wonder why you keep putting yourself through this annual display of misery.

So keeping in mind that kind of sex that leaves one feeling especially dirty or used, let’s introduce you to the first ever “Ridiculous Sex Moves” bracket! This isn’t something that Cosmo‘s interns would come up with. We decided to fully embrace the high concept and donkey punch the sh*t out of this thing, turning it into a sixth-graders’ wet dream.

The four regions are as follows:

• Celebrity: (#1 seed: The David Blaine)

• Violent: (#1 seed: Donkey Punch)

• Sh*tty: (#1 seed: Dirty Sanchez)

• Degrading: (#1 seed: Tea Bag)

Quick notes:

• We do not condone anyone doing any of these in real life. Ever. Except maybe “The Spiderman.” That one’s just too funny to write off completely.

• Vanilla sex is boring to talk about. Everything you see here is exxxxtreme!

• We recognize that you can’t be expected to know what all of these terms mean. That’s why we’ve graciously stolen their definitions from UrbanDictionary.com.

• Anything involving the “r” word that rhymes with “gape” was immediately removed. That stuff can’t fly.

• There’s no governing rules for why you should pick one move over the other. If you think the name is funny, choose that. If you think the actual sexual act is funny, choose that.

• Unfortunately, not all of these moves can be done by same sex couples. We’d like to recognize that members of the gay community have senses of humor just as dark as the straight community but we couldn’t justify giving same-sex moves their own region. That would be discrimination, which would be unjust. You’ll just have to dig through the meanings and definitions of terms to sort through them.

THE “CELEBRITY” REGION

BlaineChamberlain

POLL CLOSED

(1) The David Blaine

Definition: The act of having sex doggy-style & pulling out (seemingly accidentally), at which point you allow another male to take over, unknown to the recipient. At this point the first male sneaks out and reappears in front of the recipient, preferably by waving through a window from the outside.

 (16) The Wilt Chamberlain

Definition: The act of going through 100 different sex moves in 48 minutes.

BoothDanza

POLL CLOSED

(2) The John Wilkes Booth

Definition: The sexual act of ramming someone from behind then pulling out and ejaculating on the back of their head. Afterward, jumping out their window, taking off running, and yelling “The South shall rise again!!”

(15) The Tony Danza

Definition: The Tony Danza is when you are balls-deep in a woman from behind and while ramming her mercilessly, you proceed to yell, “Who’s the boss?! Who’s the boss?!” Typically, she will yell, “You are!” at which point you turn her around, slap her with your member and yell, “No. Tony Danza’s the boss, b*tch!”

HoudiniRoss

POLL CLOSED

(3) The Harry Houdini

Definition: A sexual act that occurs when a man is banging a girl from behind and as he is about to blow his load, he spits on her back. She’ll turn around at which point the man shoots his semen into her eye.

(14) The Bob Ross

Definition: The act of unloading semen onto a woman’s face and preceding to use your penis as a paintbrush to apply it all over her face. An act truly honoring the great artist Bob Ross.

RichieKing

POLL CLOSED

(4) The Lionel Ritchie

Definition: When the partner comes up from behind, initating a two-handed handjob, simultaneously singing the opening lyrics to “Hello” by Lionel Richie.

(13) The Don King

Definition: The act of a male ejaculating into the hair of a female sexual partner, then messing up the female’s hair with a whisking (noogie) motion then running out of the room leaving the female sexual partner to walk home with her hair looking like that of Donald King.

BatemanHoffman

POLL CLOSED

(5) The Patrick Bateman

Definition: When you point at yourself in the mirror while taking a girl doggy-style, just like Patrick Bateman does in American Psycho.

(12) The Dustin Hoffman

Definition: When you bang a girl’s anus with your nose.

DeenHouston

POLL CLOSED

(6) The James Deen

Definition: The act of eating a burrito while receiving a BJ in any place or time.

(11) The Whitney Houston

Definition: Giving a BJ using your nose, representing Whitney Houston’s cocaine addiction.

WestKennedy

POLL CLOSED

(7) The Kanye West

Definition: The act of a man having sex with a woman until she almost reaches an orgasm at which time the man says: “I’mma let you finish- I’mma let your finish” and then blows a load in the woman’s face. After which the man says: “But Beyonce had one of the best videos of all time.”

(10) The JFK

Definition: While one guy is having sex with a chick, his buddy is hiding in the closet on auto-pilot. When the man having sex is about to bust, he puts the girl on her knees and the buddy sneaks out of the closet. They both shoot a load on her and the buddy sneaks back into hiding. Thus creating a “two shooter theory.”

 KnightJordan

POLL CLOSED

(8) The M. Knight Shyamalan

Definition: The act of blowing away your sexual partner and giving them the biggest orgasm of their entire life, then proceeding to get progressively worse and worse at it so as to leave them constantly disappointed.

(9) The Michael Jordan

Definition: You are plowing this chick in the missionary position. Then, when you are about to bust, you stick your tongue out sideways out of your mouth, and point your penis up and nut in the air. Then, you grab your load in midair and slam it in her face.

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