There’s a lot riding on today’s U.S.-Canada Olympic semifinal at noon–but, most importantly, Bieber’s citizenship is at the top of the list.
Blackhawks players Patrick Kane and Jonathan Toews have added much more pressure to the already high stakes game. Command Transportation–that being a freight broker in Chicago with an electronic billboard–raised the ante 100-fold with its “Loser Keeps Bieber” billboard. We here at COED know that the the U.S. will win–and we’ve come up with some ideas for that punk Bieber after his home country gets him back…
1. Make Rob Ford Bieber’s New Best Friend
That’s right: get rid of Lil Za as Bieber’s little trouble making cohort and legally make him hang out on the reg with our favorite crack-smoking mayor, Mr. Rob Ford. We’re sure they could get into some pretty fun shenanigans together.
2. Move Him to the Tip of the Northwest Territories in a Shack
No more “spaceship” mansions, brah. The Canadian government is going to legally put you at the tip top of the Northwest Territories in a shack. So, uh, good luck with that.
3. Melt Justin into a Bronze Statue
Ok, so we got this idea from Han Solo, but we think that the best use of the “Baby” singer might be as a bronze statue (or medal) that Canadians are so used to receiving.
4. Make Him front a Creed Cover Band
Listen, Bieber’s music is pretty godawful, but you know what’s even worse than Justin Bieber? Creed. That’s right–from now on, Justin Bieber should have to front a Creed cover band.
5. Annual Egging of Justin Bieber
Justin: we know how much you enjoy egging other people. Why not get the favor returned? Ontario to hold annual egging of Bieber. Editor’s Note: Have you ever heard a Canadian say “egg?” We highly suggest you find your Canadian friend and ask them to immediately say it.
6. New Profession: Bathroom Janitor
Biebs: We know that you don’t truly value bathrooms–so we figured what better way to make you appreciate actual toilets than by being the lucky person who cleans them?
7. Bieber is Now Only Allowed to Drive Buicks
Bieber is a fan of driving really nice cars really, really fast. You know what would be super cruel? If Bieber was only allowed to drive a Buick. We guess he could still race them, right?
8. Bieber Will Only be Allowed to go to Dive Bars
No more getting turned down from elite clubs in New York or Vegas anymore. Justin is now only allowed to hang out at Canada dive bars. We hope he enjoys his shot-and-beer combos!
9. Bieber Will Never be Allowed to be on a Private Jet Again
Yeah, private jets are just not a good look for you, Justin. You’re going to be flying commercial from now on–but only from one province to another. Which brings us to…
10. Bieber Can Never Leave Canada Again
Our last–and perhaps most severe punishment–is that JB never leave his home country again. Bieber has claimed several times that Canada as “the best country in the world.” And it seems like all of the trouble he gets in usually takes place outside of Mother Canada–so welcome home, JB, and enjoy your long, long stay.