For a few months, the COED office has been putting together our list of which rappers we think would be best suited for positions in the government. And believe it or not, what started as drunken debate has actually turned into a pretty solid cabinet.
So in preparation of the real life State of the Union address, we’re now releasing our list to the public. While this list might sound crazy at first, the political realm is one of the few “hustles” that today’s rappers haven’t formally broken into… yet. But with all the talk of the diversification and branding amongst rappers, we wouldn’t be surprised if some of these lyricists started spitting from behind the podium sometime soon.
But this infographic is by no means definitive. While we’ve gone ahead and laid out our reasoning for why each rapper deserves to be chosen for their position at the bottom of this post, we welcome your thoughts and nominations. The best place for that is on Twitter (@COED).
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• President: Jay-Z – Is there any doubt that HOV deserves to be the POTUS? Let’s not forget that he’s already got a First Lady.
• Vice President: Dr. Dre – With no disrespect to the king of the West Coast, we think his skills are best suited for Vice President. Not only can he provide support and a voice for California, his business skills with Beats By Dre can be put to better use as VP.
• Department of State: Puffy – Diddy(?)’s been away from the rap game for some time now but that doesn’t mean his business savvy has deteriorated any. We’d be lucky to have someone with his business acumen taking control of international affairs. Not only has he lived through the East vs. West coast troubles, our bet is that he’s traveled to more places in the world than most others.
• Department of the Treasury: Birdman – When you think of people making money in the rap game, Birdman’s name has to be one of the first that comes to mind. Not only is he the founding father of the Cash Money Millionaires, he literally doesn’t know what to do with his hands when he’s not counting stacks. That’s the kind of genius we want running our economy.
• Department of Defense: 50 Cent – 50 might have moved out of the hood and into the suburbs of Connecticut, but that doesn’t mean that he doesn’t know how to squash beef. He’s the game’s biggest antagonizer and wouldn’t still be around today if he couldn’t finish what he started.
• Department of Justice: Shyne – For the Department of Justice position, we needed someone who knew his way around the prison system. And since he’s given up on the rap game and started to become more political, his knowledge of the industrial prison complex can be put to good use.
• Department of the Interior: A$AP Rocky – A$AP is one of America’s best talents, which makes him perfectly suited to take position as the head of the Department of the Interior. We didn’t choose him because of the fact that he’d love to decorate the “interior” of the White House with his strange fashion sense.
• Department of Agriculture: Snoop Dogg – This is the job that Snoop was made for. Case closed.
• Department of Commerce: Wiz Khalifa – Now that marijuana is becoming legalized, businessmen like Wiz Khalifa are going to have great opportunities. True story, he used to be my best friends’ pot dealer in Pittsburgh. But what most of you probably don’t know is that most of Wiz’s money didn’t come from rap–he actually owns his own taxi/limousine company in California that helped him fund his first years in the rap business. That’s the kind of attitude young entrepreneurs need to have.
• Department of Labor: Kendrick Lamar – While he might not have won “Rap Album of the Year,” you’ll be hard pressed to find a rapper who works as hard as K-Dot. Even though he’s eating most rappers for breakfast, he’s still hungry for more. And for a generation that seems to be “satisfied”, that’s a blue-collar role model the Department of Labor needs.
• Department of Health and Human Services: Lil Wayne – Despite his claims, Lil Wayne is actually a human so I don’t want to hear any of that nonsense. But we figured that if we put him in this position, he’d give everyone free access to all the cough syrup they need. America would be flu-free by 2016.
• Department of Housing and Urban Development: Eminem – Eminem needs a position in the White House cabinet. That’s just the way it is. Not only does it allow him to take the project of rebuilding Detroit into his own hands, this position is going to be great to get him back on his feet since he’s only just returned from a small hiatus.
• Department of Transportation: Freeway – His name is Freeway. That’s all that needs to be said.
• Department of Energy: DMX – Can you name one rapper (besides Busta Rhymes circa 1999) who brings more energy to the table than DMX? It’s impossible. Just hook this guy up to some wires and watch him power a small city.
• Department of Education: Juicy J – Don’t be fooled by the fact that Juicy J spends most of his time in the strip clubs–he cares about education. That’s why he’s up in there, paying all these young women’s bills. He’s also one of the few rappers we know who’s given an actual scholarship to someone in college. This year, he awarded $50K to a 19-year-old single mother.
• Department of Veterans Affairs: Nas – Nas has been around for some time so he knows how the old heads should be treated. We’re not saying that he is an old head, we’re just saying he knows a lot of them. Nas is a flat-out legend.
• Department of Homeland Security: T.I. – When you’re picking a head of Homeland Security, you want someone who knows how to defend their own home. And when T.I. was arrested for trying to buy these guns (plus silencers) from an undercover detective, we knew that he knew how to protect his household.
• White House Chief of Staff: Chief Keef – He’s already got half of the name, plus he’ll ensure that everyone in the cabinet has something to light up whenever they feel like it.
• Environmental Protection Agency: Mac Miller – If there’s one thing we know, it’s that Mac Miller cares about trees.
• Office of Management and Budget: Master P – If the United States is going to be governed by rappers, I think we need to splurge on a classier ride for the president. How does a gold-plated tank sound?
• United States Trade Representative: Pharrell – The United States has stopped a majority of our manufacturing. With Pharell in the government, maybe we can turn our heads to controlling the “strange hat manufacturing” sector.
• United States Mission To The United Nations: Cam’ron and the Diplomats – Hands down, this is the job that the Diplomats were made for.
• Council of the Economic Advisors: Wu Tang Financial – Three words, “diversify your bonds.”
• Small Business Administration: Earl Sweatshirt – Earl’s one of the best up-and-coming rappers in the game right now, making him a great person to head up Small Business Administration.
• Drug Czar: Rick Ross – We were originally going to make him the head of the Department of Transportation, but then we realized that if we made him the Drug Czar, we could make a buck or two selling those same drugs that we confiscated. Ricky Rozay’s already got experience working on the inside, so he’s the perfect fit.
• Speaker of the House: Flavor Flav – Is the Speaker of the House any more than a hype man? Absolutely. But rappers are already pretty good with their words, so all Flav has to do is just agree with them. “Yeah boi!”
• Press Secretary: Kanye West – Yeezy and the press already have a special relationship, so we thought that we’d just keep that going.
• Surgeon General: Scarface – Besides the obvious name and it’s relation to surgery, Scarface could bring valuable insight to one of America’s largest hidden health troubles–mental health issues.