The Swiss Cheese Pervert is currently menacing the streets of Philadelphia–and it’s hard to think of a more accurate nickname for the degenerate who drives with his pants down and a lap full of Swiss cheese while propositioning female passersby to service him with the hole-y yellow food that he’s rocking.
As you can see by the admittedly blurry (but important) picture above, the police (and all good Philadelphia citizens) are on the lookout for a fat white male who seems to be between 40 and 50 years old. He’s piloting a late-model model sedan as he makes his rounds. He’s not shy, either. The Swiss Cheese Pervert has been photographed in action twice, leading Internet investigators (professional and very much otherwise) to commence closing in on his identity. Hey, here’s a better picture that has to help…
We’re also hearing from Swiss Cheese Victims. An OKCupid user who calls herself Gabby Chest (sorry, no pics) contacted the Philadelphia Daily News and revealed her 2012 interaction with a man on the dating site who shared the suspect’s m.o. She stated, “He said he was looking for someone to perform masturbation on him with cheese.”
Chest also shared a long private message from the user, which reads, in part: “I started to compare girls to cheese due to their milky complections [sic], girls are soft, smooth feeling and tend to like dairy products more. That and typical advertising, always using a girl to advertise dairy products. So cheese is what I started to use as a replacement for having sex with girls.”
Philadelphia magazine has burrowed even deeper, They have tracked down a local man who strongly resembles the Swiss Cheese Pervert and has gotten into past trouble for soliciting prostitutes. That this obese heap was pointedly shirtless when opened the door for the reporter might just be circumstantial evidence. Gabby Chest seems to believe the magazine has found the right man, though.
But if the Swiss cheese fits, wear it—and you know where, too. Which reminds us of the best reason to get the Swiss Cheese Pervert arrested very quickly. We’re really looking forward to the part of the trial where the defense declares, “If it doesn’t fit, you must acquit.”