CHINSTRAP-BEARD SHOPLIFTS CONDOMS, OILS, ENERGY DRINKS, & FLASHLIGHT

By Edit Posted in News-ish

Joel Luis Valles 1

Joel Luis Valles, 28, is a Gainsville, Florida resident and a presumably proud possessor of a tight-cropped red beard that can’t be bothered with a mustache. He’s also in the local news after shoplifting ingredients for…well, it was either a night to either remember or repress. Probably both, if he was going for the COED tradition.

Valles and his U-shaped facial fuzz initially purchased a can of soda and a pack of cigarettes from a local Walgreens, then left the store and returned at 3:30am. The second time around, Valles attempted to depart with his pockets packed full of two pairs of headphones, ten energy drinks, two bottles of massage oil, a box of condoms, and a flashlight.

Does this guy know how to party or what?

Whatever colorful images immediately leap to mind regarding the flashlight, please note that–upon searching Valles’s car–cops also found a passed-out, intoxicated woman slumped in the front seat. Picture anything more vividly now?

Valles’s boomerang stubble-grooming technique clearly suggests poor judgment, but he exhibited outright stupidity by keeping a bag of cocaine in his wallet upon entering the police station to which he was taken, and then lying to the arresting officers about it. Now on top of stealing the makings for an all-night orgy that may or may not involve more than one participant, he’s also facing charges over the drugs and for “smuggling contraband.”

Might we suggest that Valles be ordered to either shave or grow a full beard? It would be an act of community service.

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