“Squirrel on our shoulder”–that’s a sexual euphemism, right? Well, it should be one now. Frankly, we think that Tiger Woods has damaged his sex-crazed reputation by acting all annoyed when Lindsey Vonn playfully put a furry animal up on his shoulder. We don’t care if he was focused on his game at the The Presidents Cup in Dublin, Ohio. We could’ve been down to the last seconds of disarming a nuclear warhead and still taken time to say, “Oh, is that fuzzy-wuzzy fellow for us, Lindsey? Oh, cute little fuzzy-wuzzy fellow!” Then we’d all die, but we’d perish with Lindsey Vonn giving us a loving smile. (You can see more of our favorite PGA WAGS here.)
Anyway, that’s why we’re offended that Lindsey Vonn is celebrating her 29th birthday today as Tiger Woods’ girlfriend. That squirrel should’ve really blown the deal. Besides, no family needs more than one champion. Lindsey has won World Cup races in every discipline of alpine skiing, you know. We’d be perfectly happy to lay out Lindsey’s ski gear and rub her tired muscles and bandage her shins and watch very carefully while she was doing her exercises. We’d even be willing to provide photographic documentation of Lindsey’s physically fit bod.
And, no, you couldn’t see the photos. It’s inappropriate for you to even ask. We don’t know what’s wrong with you people. Besides, Lindsey has already been very generous in posing for plenty of sexy shots. She’s really expanded her brand name from awesome athlete to striking beauty. Nobody even cares that she’s hooked up with a notorious horndog like Tiger Woods.
We have to figure that the most successful American skier in history has brought some real discipline to Tiger’s life. We don’t mean that in a kinky way–but it’s a nice thought. It’s also nice to know that Lindsey remains at the top of her game, despite a serious injury earlier this year that took her out of competition. Lindsey had still racked up enough points to top the World Cup downhill rankings at the end of this season. Now watch her rank up some serious points in front of the camera…