The real highlight of the MLB All-Star Week is the Home Run Derby, unless you’re one of those psycho fans of the MLB who actually looks forward to the dog days of summer because that means it’s all-baseball, all the time. The Derby is scheduled to start at 8 PM EST tonight on ESPN.
This year’s captains are David Wright (National League) and Robinson Cano (American League), two people infinitely more likable than the duo responsible for the night’s other entertainment: Chris Berman and Pitbull.
Chris Berman is Chris Berman. Annoying, overpaid, and perpetually one Canadian painkiller away from going off on the sound guy. Pitbull on the other hand…
I feel like I speak for a lot of people when I ask what the f*ck was Bud Selig thinking when he asked Pitbull to take the stage? Didn’t he get one of my thousands of emails begging him to… Oh, nevermind.
So yeah, the more I think about it, the more I realize the Home Run Derby needs a little something extra. As long as you’re over 21 (remember kids, we support underbutt and underboob but not underage drinking), these drinking game rules should help you enjoy the 2013 Home Run Derby a little better.
Chris Berman-related Rules
1. Every time Chris Berman says “back.”
2. If Chris Berman mentions any of the following NYC names/places:
• The Statue of Liberty
• The Empire State Building
• Barclay’s Center
• Madison Square Garden
• The Naked Cowboy
• The House That Ruth Built
• Mariano Rivera
1. Every time someone comments on Chris Berman saying “back.” That includes this reference. Drink up.
1. For every syllable that leaves his mouth
2. For every second he spends not in Alaska
1. If you can finish the lines of the song he’s currently singing, replace beer with rubbing alcohol.
2. If he finds a way to talk about the Marlins at all.
Finish Your Drink:
1. If Chris Berman tries to get you to believe that he enjoys listening to Pitbull
Pour Someone Else’s Drink On The Ground And Kick Them Out Of Wherever You Are:
1. If someone you’re with tells you that “Pitbull’s not actually that bad.”
The Basic Rules
1. If a pop-fly (“out”) is dropped by the ball boys in the field. Two if you think you could have caught that as drunk as you are now.
2. If a HR hits the foul-ball post
1. If you see one of your buddies on TV.
2. If the ball hits one of those “hit one here” signs.
3. Every time someone talks about how f*cking weird it is that the Pirates are almost the best team in baseball.