Jay-Z once wrote a song called “22 Two’s” in which he used the word “two” 22 different times in a freestyle. Truth be told, I’ve only ever counted 21 of them, but that’s beside the point.
In fact, the majority of this is drifting from the point, which is this: we’ve rounded-up 22 sure-fire signs you’re just getting mad old. I felt it necessary to digress a tad because that’s what happens when you get old. You just go off on tangents for no reason. You know what I mean? It’s like that time my neighbor’s cat just started showing up on my doorstep…
Oh, sorry. Anyway, with that, here’s our top 22 hit list:
22) If you not only knew which Jay-Z song I was referencing, but purchased that — or any other album — from an actual CD store like Sam Goody (no, Best Buy doesn’t count).
21) For that matter, if you actually still use the word album.
21) If you ever put your blood, sweat and tears (read: cutting out radio commercials) into making a mixtape.
20) If you listened to Bubba the Love Sponge in the carpool on the way to school. Bonus old points if you were driving the carpool.
19) If you ever used Close-Up toothpaste.
18) If you not only love staying in but look forward to it even more than going out. Dream night = take out, couch and Netflix.
17) If there will never be another Batman / Joker combo to you like Michael Keaton and Jack Nicholson. Ever.
16) If you know all the words to Rapper’s Delight.
15) If your medicine cabinet is actually used for medicine, not storage space.
14) If at the last party you threw at your place, no one even came over to make a noise complaint.
13) If you’re a girl, you had a major crush on Donnie Wahlberg in NKOTB. And you still think he was underrated.
12) If you check the weather before you leave the house, and still BRING an umbrella with you “just in case.”
11) If you just can’t stomach a Natty Lite anymore.
10) If hangovers last at least two days. Minimum.
9) If you remember when you had to seek out “pay at the pump” gas stations.
8) If you also remember when gas was less than $1.
7) If you still read books, and refuse to buy into this whole Kindle deal. Yet.
6) If your 4-year-old old niece or nephew is far more proficient on an iPad than you’ll ever be.
5) If the funnel in your house is used for actual funneling tasks that don’t include chugging beers. Bonus old points if this includes canning vegetables.
4) If you own a set of at least 10 matching place settings not bought at IKEA.
3) If arriving at the airport any less than an hour before your flight gives you anxiety.
2) If you make and haven’t missed your dentist appointments in years.
1) If you had to take a nap in between reading this list because you just got so tired.