Against your better judgement, you checked your bank account balance. Then, for some reason you answered a 1-888 number and ended up having to lie to a bill collector for 10 minutes. Oh, and look at that, your student loan bill came a day early. Drowning in debt, you no doubt want to drown your sorrows, but that last twenty (or ten, or five, or $1.85) in your pocket puts a bit of a damper on your plans. But you’re in America, dammit! Drinking to regrettable excess is a privilege, and if you live south of the Mason-Dixon line: a right. So when life dries you out, here are 5 ways to keep yourself well-lubricated.
1. Liquor Is Quicker
This is for serious drinkers. Serious drinkers with funny money. That being said: beer, ale, wine, wine coolers (just leave right now) and anything that can’t be used to treat open wounds are off the table. You’re on a mission here, kids, so it’s time to man the fuck up and start taking shots like LMFAO is still together.
2. It’s Happy Hour Somewhere
Only fools buys full-priced drinks. Happy Hour exists for the sole purpose of luring people into bars when they’re at their most vulnerable: right after work. But some places have happy hours that are really happy day-and-a-halfs, and you can park your keester, meester on a stool for a little afternoon delight. Not only are drinks cheaper, but you’ll also have fewer people to compete with for the bartender’s attention because the only people there are the diehard alcoholics and people with too much time on their hands. Get in where you fit in.
3. Know Your Proof
There’s a special class of super booze, the Justice League of Alcohol, if you will, that is stronger and more potent than the average booze. A few examples are: Devil’s Creek vodka (160 proof), Bacardi 151 rum (151 proof), Everclear grain alcohol (190 proof) and Golden Grain (190 proof). Some states actually ban the sale of alcohol above a certain proof, so come to think of it, these are more like the Legion of Doom.
4. There’s No Place Like Home
If you’re really hard up for cash, going out to get drunk is really just a waste of time and energy. That’s why it’s important to stock your home with booze. Cheap booze. We’re talking off-brand rubbing alcohol that comes in a plastic bottle. Shop with a discerning, blood-shot eye to make sure you get the best value. But remember, it’s your live, so you might want to shell out the extra few bucks to avoid the Hepatitis A you’re likely going to get.
5. Dirt McGirt It
If you’re really desperate — and we’ve all been there, some have a pied-à-terre there — you may end up resorting to desperate measures. Jumping strays, the kids call it. Stealing unattended or abandoned drinks at a bar or party. Stealing may be a sin, but so is wasting perfectly good alcohol. Of course, if you stumble onto a drink with a roofie in it, say hi to the rest of the gutter trash you wake up next to the following morning.