Michael Douglas Says Cunnilingus Caused And Cured His Throat Cancer

By Edit Posted in News-ish

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The Oscar winner wasn’t anywhere near that generous in Wall Street.

Michael Douglas claims that performing oral sex for years resulted in contracting an STD that caused his throat cancer but also says doing the deed helped cure him from the disease. The box giveth, and taketh away.

Asked whether he now regretted his years of smoking and drinking, thought to be the cause of the disease, Douglas replied, “No. Because without wanting to get too specific, this particular cancer is caused by HPV [human papillomavirus], which actually comes about from cunnilingus. I did worry if the stress caused by my son’s incarceration didn’t help trigger it. But yeah, it’s a sexually transmitted disease that causes cancer. And if you have it, cunnilingus is also the best cure for it.”

Granted, Douglas was only doing what was required to keep the certified smokeshow who is 25 years his junior Catherine Zeta Jones around, but to think diving for some muff caused AND cured his almost deadly throat cancer is like saying blowjobs cause ladies to gain weight but also give them essential nutrients to have their body shed pounds. Doesn’t make any sense.

Gullible ladies, pretty sure the second part of what I said blowjobs is 100% scientific fact. FYI.

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