Usually in moments like this, my primitive male brain immediately thinks “Well, if Rihanna was my girlfriend…” because Mother Nature wired it to imagine what it would be like to have sex with just about every female on the planet. I’m not going to do that here because there literally is no way that situation could even be a feasible option. The apocalypse could wipe out all of humanity except for her and I and even if the nuclear blast left her blind and deaf and she realized there was only one way to repopulate the planet, one feel of one of my bulbous fat folds would send her racing to find the bottom of the nearest, tallest cliff.
Plus, she’s somehow still with Chris Brown and officially ended all speculation about whether or not she forgives him for the ultra douchey domestic violence charges he racked up back in 2009. This time, the proof came in the form of one of the coolest goddamn cars on the planet.
Rihanna reportedly bought her boyfriend an open top, two seater Mercedes Benz that cost more than $1 million for his birthday. The Mercedes Benz SLR Stirling Moss, one of 75 in the entire world, is pretty much the car that every 6-year-old boy dreams of having one day except that it can’t fly. It’s got a monster engine that can reach speeds in excess of 200 mph, a beautiful chrome finish with futuristic looking, open top seats and even leather seats that MB can customize by stitching the owner’s initials into the seats. And yes, Rihanna is having CB’s initials stitched into the leather for him.
It’s a shame there isn’t a way for her to have her initials stitched into CB’s forehead. We’d be happy to provide that service for free.