The worst man in human history would be celebrating his 124th birthday this Saturday, April 20th. The only thing you should care about on that day is lighting one up to your health and to his death, but we thought it would be interesting to put together 20 things you didn’t know about Hitler. Other than the obvious that he was a royal prick, but you already knew that.
Hitler Only Had One Testicle
Tis true. The Furor was not so mighty where it mattered. He lost one of his boys in WWI after suffering an injury to his abdomen and groin. And here you thought Lance Armstrong was the worst person you knew with one ball.
He Maybe Had Some Jew In Him
Well wouldn’t that be ironic? Hitler’s father, Alois, was registered as an illegitimate child with no father when born in 1837 and to this day Hitler’s paternal grandfather is unknown. Alois’ mother, Maria Schicklgruber, is known to have worked in the home of a wealthy Jew, so there is some chance, however small, that a son in that household got Hitler’s grandmother pregnant. Speculation of his sketchy background is increased as Hitler went to extreme measures to attempt to hide his family lineage.
Hitler Whistled A Lot, And By A Lot I Mean Entire Songs And Classical Compositions At All Times
Great. So he was that annoying guy who whistled all the time, too. Just another reason to invent a time machine solely to go back and punch him square in his one-balled d*ck.
He Wasn’t Even German
I know, to most people who know some sort of history this isn’t a surprise but to many it’s shocking to know that Hitler wasn’t even born in Germany as he’s Austrian. That would be like some Canadian coming down thinking he was hot sh*t and trying to dominate the good ol’ US of A. Not happening in this country.
He Was A Compulsive Farter
Extreme gastrointestinal issues made Hitler the last person you would ever want to be trapped on an elevator with.
Hitler Loved Animals
Possibly his only compassionate feelings were for dogs and other animals. He loved his one German Shepard, Blondi, so much he killed the dog with cyanide he was testing to make sure it worked before he killed himself. Classy guy.
He Injected Himself With Bull Semen To Use Like Viagra
Hey, don’t knock it till you try it. Apparently he needed something to help keep up with and satisfy the younger Eva Braun. That something: Young Bull Jizz. Ironically that’s the exact same name I used to rap under when I was 12.
He Never Learned To Drive
Makes sense. I mean, why waste time trying to learn how to learn stick when you’re too busy trying to murder millions of people.
Hitler LOVED The Circus
Why you ask? Was it the cute animals? The clowns? The freak shows? None of the above. As it was officially quoted: “He takes real pleasure in the idea that underpaid performers are risking their lives to please him.”
Hitler Liked His Niece So Much It Drove Her To Suicide
And by liked, I mean like-liked or batsh*t ex-boyfriend in love with his biological niece. He kept his half-sister’s daughter locked away in an apartment in which she referred to as her “Guided Cage.” He was so in control of her life he wouldn’t let her leave and it was rumored they had a sexual relationship as well before she decided to bite the bullet. Literally.
Hitler’s first love was Jewish
Hitler was only 16 when he fell in love with a Jewish girl named Stefanie Isak. There are many records which are of the belief that Hitler was extremely obsessed with this girl, and often thought of killing himself, as well as her, for love. Common theme in these facts: Don’t love or be loved by Hitler. It doesn’t end up with a storybook ending.
Hitler Invented Blow-Up Dolls
Well, Guten Tag, Furor! Actually it was more of the idea he invented, but still the man deserves some credit. Hitler was against his men getting physically or emotionally involved with foreign women so he conjured up the idea of blow-up dolls. He actually expected his men to fulfill their needs and be satisfied with plastic bodied dolls. Again, shouldn’t knock it till you try it.
Hitler Was A Fan Of Golden Showers And The Cleveland Steamer
Many historians cited in their records that Hitler was a man of bizarre sexual desires. He specifically liked being defecated and urinated on in the bedroom. I can only assume the term Mississippi Bow Tie had to be changed to the Berlin Noose to meet specific Nazi regulations.
He Regurally Ate Up To Two Pounds Of Chocolate In A Day
Talk about a sweet tooth. Hitler regularly ate up an obscene amount of chocolate a day, in addition to pastries and hot chocolate with copious amounts of whipped cream. He generally took his tea with seven teaspoons of sugar, and was even witnessed Hitler adding spoonfuls of sugar to a glass of red wine. Nothing better than a good ol’ fashioned sugar rush tapped off with relaxing Golden Shower later.
Hitler Was An Adequate Painter And It Was His Lifelong Dream To Be An Artist
But unfortunately all those art schools in Vienna in which he applied to only accept people based on “talent.” Hitler became extremely pissed off at the man because nobody would give him a chance to follow his dreams and thus became rabidly obsessed with eliminating Jews from the Earth. Makes sense.
He Would Never Be Seen Naked
If every male over the age of 80 has no issues whatsoever from being in a health club locker room sporting their sac in plain view for hours on end while they attempt to put on their shoes then it’s surprising that Hitler refused to undress for every doctor’s examination he had.
Hitler Was A Devout Vegetarian
After the death of his love (his niece), Hitler witnessed the autopsy and became so disgusted he renounced meat forever. Not sure how watching a human autopsy would make one think of food, but that’s why I will never willingly watch a human autopsy.
He Was Also Aroused By Being Abused And Watching Human Suffering
Hitler supposedly begged to be kicked repeatedly by one woman and is said to have had his guards videotape the torture of Jewish people for his own home-viewing pleasure. The man makes Jeffrey Dahmer seem like Mother Theresa.
He probably had Parkinson’s Disease
Or at least most historians think so. The constant shaking in Hitler’s later known footage would put Michael J. Fox to shame.
Hitler Hated Aftershave Or Any Product That Would Improve His Scent
Because who would want to clear up that delightful smell of feces after you force a women to sh*t on your face? I know I wouldn’t.
So there you have it. 20 random facts about the worst person to ever live. And you thought you had problems…