Guest blogger Joe DeRosa is a touring comedian, creator/writer/director of numerous web series, and co-author of the book CHEAT: A Man’s Guide to Infidelity, published by Simon and Schuster. Every month he’ll inform us of something to Never Believe in.
Chivalry is dead. And I’m not saying that with some heart-broken, “longing for the romance of yester-year” tone. I’m just telling you that it’s dead, as it should be. And we need to let it die. Trust me when I tell you: women have. It’s men that keep trying to resuscitate this outdated practice. There are guys that still think chivalry is going to get them laid. It won’t. Ever.
Now, before I go any further, I need to make a distinction. I’m not talking about chivalry in the traditional sense: opening doors, pulling out a chair, offering your coat. I mean, when you think about it, that stuff really just falls under the umbrella of common courtesy. Most guys would appreciate those gestures as much as women do. What I’m addressing is modern chivalry. This can be simply defined as a “male sticking up for a female, just to make another male look bad.” Some guy can’t stand the fact that you might score with a girl he’s lusting after…a girl that wants nothing to do with him or his dick…so his last ditch effort for victory is to create a false conflict between you and her so he can “come to her aid,” like a cock-blocking Robin Hood. This is a demeaning and pandering practice that’s meant to trick a woman into “feeling” protected or looked after, and all it does is serve as a smokescreen for some slimy worm’s predatory, pussy-seeking motives.
Here’s an example:
You’re in a bar at a happy hour, hitting it off with a woman you’ve just met for the first time. Suddenly, the topic of discussion turns to politics. Things get a bit heated – not angry, just passionate – when the two of you completely disagree on the President’s something or other. Not a bad thing. In fact, it’s a great thing. It shows that the two of you are independent thinkers and not afraid to express yourselves. Things are going smashingly. Then, it all gets fucked when some weasel from her office overhears the discussion and decides to jump in. More specifically, he decides to jump in and smear you. This little prick walks over, grabs her by the hand and says something like, “Wow, sounds like things are little loud over here. Let’s get you back with the friends you came with.” She refuses, kindly, wanting to stay and debate. And instead of this dickhead respecting any sort of guy code and leaving, he proceeds to pull up a stool, jump in the discussion, and overly agree with everything she says, all the while dramatically disagreeing with everything you say. He’ll also throw in the occasional back rub and/or knee grab, just so she knows “he’s there for her…no matter what.”
There’s no way you’re scoring now. This guy’s ruined it. He sits there…and sits there…and sits there. He sits there until every last drop of any report established between you and the woman has been disintegrated. His snide comments and passive-aggressive horseshit have spoiled the mood and, possibly, made you look like a bit of an asshole. Now they’re leaving. He literally pried her away from you. You could practically here the sound of crowbar on metal. And the worst part is that he’s not getting laid either.
He’ll think he is. And he’ll try…all the way to her car door. But he won’t. He won’t get anything: no handy, no kiss on the cheek, no nothing. Women don’t want patronizing protection any more than men would. Who would ever feel anything but annoyance and anger toward someone that makes them look small? Have you ever seen a woman yank her husband out of a debate at a party? You know, by saying something like, “Come on, honey…you know how you get when you drink…” Holy shit. It’d be less awkward watching them discuss the divorce settlement that’s soon to follow.
So don’t mourn for chivalry. Rejoice in its demise. And if you’re aware of any existing remnants of it, see to it they are hunted down and slaughtered. And, after that, if you’re still longing for some old school, ethical practice to exercise, try this one: Do unto others as you’d have them do unto you. Either that or go home and do unto yourself. Just stop trying to do unto other people’s potential pussy.