Young men in America today are faced with much more immediate and real problems than things like “global warming” or “fiscal cliffs.” Of course, I’m talking about the very in-your-face dilemma of whether or not we should to go down on someone after we’ve just been on the receiving end of a mouth tug. Yes, it’s a problem that men should be happy to have, but that doesn’t make it a problem — it actually takes away from something that should be enjoyable by nature. And in the words of Jay-Z, there’s “much bigger issues in the world, I know /But I first had to take care of the world I know.”
Since we’re men, it’s best that we try to tackle the problem in the easiest way possible: on a case-by-case basis. BTW, if I had any artistic talent at all, this would make a good flowchart.
She’s a one night stand. No. You’re in the clear. Give yourself a pat on the back while she’s down there.
She’s your girlfriend of less than a year and it’s not a special occasion. No. You don’t have to return the favor but I would suggest playing this one by ear. You don’t want her to start keeping track this early in the relationship. Unless you think that you can make this a regular thing, in which case have at it. Just don’t blame me if they suddenly stop.
You’re in a limo. No. Do you want a good story or not?
She’s your girlfriend of over two years and it’s not a special occasion. Yes. At this point you’re playing with fire. Fail to reciprocate at your demise.
You just woke up and she takes initiative. No. Enjoy it until it stops, at which point you should just move onto having real sex.
You flat-out ask for one. Yes. If you don’t immediately reciprocate, you better believe that she’s taking note.
It’s your birthday. No. Regardless of where you are in your relationship or who you’re with, this is your day. Get it.
It’s a special occasion (not your birthday) and she’s been your girlfriend for awhile. Yes. You share everything together now, so don’t believe that you’re going to get away with being selfish ON THIS DAY OF ALL DAYS.
You’re in a bathroom somewhere. No. Use the phrase “That was amazing, but let’s get out of here before we get in trouble” to avoid all further responsibilities. Next time you’re in bed, though, make sure to put in some good work.
She’s a hooker. No.
She’s on the rag. No. Unless you’re into that, in which case this advice column probably isn’t for you.