Cracker Jacks Introducing New Caffeinated ‘Cracker Jack’d’ Snack
If you’ve been taken out to the ballgame, you may want to avoid the peanuts and Cracker Jacks part of your evening if you need a goodnight sleep. Frito-Lays, the maker of Cracker Jacks, is introducing a new line of Cracker Jack’d snacks — hardcore version of the old standard — including a the very “controversial” “Cracker Jack’d Coca Java Power Bites” that will be — gasp! — caffeinated!
Some people are already in an outrage, saying that “caffeine is a mildly addictive stimulant drug that is totally inappropriate to be included in foods consumed by children.”
What is this world coming to!? Caffeine added to Cracker Jacks?? Why don’t we just pour grain alcohol instead of milk into our bowl of Cheerios and dust our pretzels with amphetamines instead of salt?? Why doesn’t Domino’s add psychedelic mushrooms as a topping and Mrs. Field’s make her cookies with marijuana butter?? I hear that’s what the Colorado franchises are looking to do!
I’ll tell you why none of this is happening: it’s because those are real drugs and caffeine is some shit that kids have been drinking since they started getting a Coke with their Happy Meal. It’s about as addictive as video games and about as dangerous as the cord that video game controllers no longer have.
Parents need to chill out. The world is getting MORE HARDCORE. DEAL.